New Year, new me? I highly doubt it.

2015 got off to a really rocky start for me – my life was totally off balance…

2015.01.01_New Year, new me? I highly doubt it.

"There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. By being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world." 

– Robert Louis Stevenson

I made the mistake of running out to the shops yesterday, and one of the first things I noticed in CVS, was that almost an entire row of the ‘seasonal’ section was filled with cosmetic and makeup displays, reading “New Year – new you” … or something to that effect.

Every year it’s the same thing with me, I spend January 1^st journaling, and making lists of all the things I want to do to improve my life  – I want, I want, I want – but I never DO. I always sit down and make these elaborate lists of things that I sincerely want to do. Things that should make me happy – or are good for me like:

·         Lose weight

·         Meditate

·         Do yoga

·         Play the guitar

·         Learn to sail

·         Learn to speak Italian

·         Join a group/make some friends

·         Work on my jewelry and build a business

·         Write a book

·         Work on my art

·         Get a LIFE!

Why am I always depriving myself of happiness? In other words, why am I always saying I want to do things, i.e. the list above, and then never do any of it? Why am I constantly buying things that I never use? Like yoga DVDs, a guitar, art supplies, jewelry tools, beads, a sewing maching, the list goes on and on!

What is holding me back? That’s the $64,000 question isn’t it? And I have been looking at that above mentioned list for decades, and pretty much making no headway at all:

·         I have purchased 3 separate diet plans in the last 3 years, one came with walking music preloaded on an ipod – I haven’t done more than walk to the bus in months

·         I did 3 free 21 day meditations through the Chopra Center

·         I have 3 yoga dvds that came with the diet plans that are gathering dust because I have to vacuum the rug before I can put down the yoga mat (don’t ask)

·         I bought a guitar, and the additional instructional dvds and books – 4 years ago, and have not played it once (because I can’t figure out how to use the battery operated tuner)

·         Bought an online Italian language course through Groupon

·         Joined a Meetup group two years ago and attended two events – I think the probable cause for this, apart from the fact that they do everything on weekends and I am always working, would be the whole lack of car issue

·         Purchased several hundred dollars’ worth of jewelry making tools, and supplies – which are currently gathering dust

·         Write a book? I have at least twenty unfinished blogs at the moment, which may, or may not eventually be put into book form

·         I signed up for a very expensive drawing class at The VonLiebig Art Center and went twice

Yes, for almost 3 years I was working on my degree, and that ate up huge chunks of my life, but I really wanted to do this stuff, I wanted to be a happier, healthier, better person – so I tried this approach last year:

The to-do list (again!) Try making a schedule:

Weekly:

·         Yoga (2x)

·         Walk (3x)

·         Guitar (1x)

·         Italian (2x)

o   Listen to lessons on iPod while doing other things

§  Gardening

§  Reading magazines

§  Playing Covet

§  House work when not listening to Pandora

·         Write (5x)

·         Draw, Jewelry, etc, (???)

And - not much of that actually got done last year either. 

But the really tough one for me seems to be Get a Life. I have no clue as to why I find this so difficult.

And then we have this years list:

I want to find my happy ending

I want to fall in love with someone who is:

            Kind

            Funny

            Intelligent

            Successful - When I’m ready he will come, or at least I hope so

I want to go see a Broadway Show

I want to travel

I want to go on a lot of cruises

I keep complaining that I am not doing the things I want to do, and yet – what’s stopping me? Me!! That is what is stopping me – me, myself and I – self sabotage.

Perhaps the solution to this challenge is a relatively simple fix? What if I am just whipping myself into a frenzy over nothing? What if this challenge is as simple as a lack of concentration – maybe I am just in the middle of a full blown ADD attack. I am so distracted that I never get anything done because I start something and then wander off to do something else. Like right now for example, I was on my way to meditate, when I decided it would be a good idea to make some fresh lemon/cucumber/basil water, then I passed by the computer on the way to the kitchen, and started writing for a little bit – then back to the water, had to make some filtered water, so I wandered off to check Facebook while the Brita pitcher was doing its thing – back to the water, peeled the cucumber, thought about how I have this serious lack of concentration problem . . .  a n d . . . back to the computer to blog about that for a little bit. The water is still not finished and I am not meditating. 

And yet, for all that I beat myself up for not doing stuff, I actually did make progress on some of the stuff on the list, like:

            I started meditating – still sporadic, but almost every day

            I lost weight – bought a Nutra Ninja blender to make up ‘green’ smoothies

            I started eating real food

            I sporadically did the Italian lessons

            I dusted off the guitar case a couple of times

I don't know why I am always being so hard on myself, just like any major restoration project, it has been, and will continue to be a long, hard and sometimes painful journey to completion. I believe the cause of my most recent panic attack is that I am afraid. I am afraid for me, I am afraid of the future. The thought of living for another 20 years is more terrifying to me than dying. I'm not sure when or what started this train of thought. I just know that it has been with me for a relatively long time now. 

At least since I got back from Orlando . . .  To be continued.