Here comes your 19th nervous breakdown

I have a bunch of half-finished blogs in the works, and I doubt if they will ever get finished, so I am going to try to just start posting them, starting with this little gem that I started right after Thanksgiving.

2014.12.04_Here comes your 19^th nervous breakdown

Lately I have been seriously lacking motivation.

I can’t even begin to count the number of blogs I have started and then just completely lost my train of thought, and wandered away.  

I just put my suitcase away yesterday from the trip I got back from almost a month ago. I still have not put away all of the clean clothes. In fact the bedroom currently looks like a bomb went off in a shoe store/boutique. But I did dust – or at least I started to dust – I believe that the dust cloth is currently sitting on top of my ‘dresser’. I have violated the first rule of cleaning – get a basket or a box to put things that belong elsewhere in, and stay in one place until it’s finished. Instead I find something that belongs in the kitchen, in the bedroom – so I take that one thing back to the kitchen, only to stop to wash a dish, that is correct, one dish. Then I come over here to the computer and recall some snippet of an idea and start rambling on about that for a little bit. A N D then back to the bedroom. Rinse and repeat – ADHD cleaning at its finest. By the time I get back to the bedroom I have totally forgotten where I was trying to tidy-up in the first place, and will in all probability wander off again because of it. That or leave to find the phone so I can add another task to my Any.do list.

I need to get a list from the Sidetracked Sisters. 

My dosha is unbalanced and my chi is totally screwed up – I feel like I am in this never ending loop of not getting anything accomplished – not cleaning up the mess, but contributing to it. I don’t think there is one area of this house that is totally put together – and the funny thing is that I have created this chaos in just a little less than a month. When I got back home from Orlando this place was like an Architectural Digest photo-shoot waiting to happen. And I don’t know what happened!! I usually have a pretty firm grip on the chaos around here, but once things get out of control I can’t cope with it, I just freeze up and escape into a book or something.

According to Ayurveda, I need to get on a schedule, meditate twice a day, give up coffee – fat chance on the coffee thing, and probably the schedule too.

I may not have disclosed that I have a horrible tooth issue that I am trying to deal with – totally without any results, every time I have to deal with change anymore I just freeze up. So I can’t chew anything at the moment, which means it is impossible for me to eat in public –(and the office holiday party is coming up in 10 days)- good thing I bought the Nutra Ninja blender because I am going to be on a smoothie and soup diet, which is fine with me because I like them both. Hopefully if I make my own soups instead of the frozen or boxed kind, I will save a little money. The beneficial side effect of all this is that I have lost weight and am now almost back to where I was before my birthday last year, and all the candy and cookies that started to show up from then until Christmas.  

I need to figure out a way to get more followers for this blog –

And that's the way it ended - with half a thought.

Peace and Love from Anna 

 

Today I am thankful for Kleenex...

Heaven welcomed another angel today – that sounds really corny doesn’t it, but in this case it is absolutely true. My cousin, Patti Ruvolo McGaw passed away last night at only 62 years old. Apparently she had cancer but didn’t want anyone to know that she was sick.

Patti went through more personal tragedy than anyone should ever have to endure. She had her first battle with cancer when she was just a child, lost her Mother at age 12, had miscarriages and then lost her only daughter shortly after birth. Her son Matthew stopped breathing when he was a few months old, and consequently suffered brain damage, and her son Mark passed away two years ago, he was in his 30’s.

And yet Patti always had an upbeat and positive attitude. She was always smiling, and was there for anybody who needed anything. She checked in with our Aunts and Uncles regularly to make sure they were alright, and she never asked or expected anything in return. She had a beautiful spirit, and was the most giving and loving person, more than anyone I know, she truly epitomized the Sicilian values that we were raised with – family first – always.

My heart goes out to her husband, sons and brother Michael, but especially her grandchildren, Patti lived for her grandchildren, they were so close. 

I still find it hard to believe that I will never see her smiling face or hear her laugh again.

Get out there and VOTE next month – it’s not a privilege it's your right

I never make political commentary, but in this case I am going to make an exception. I find it absolutely appalling that in the upcoming race for Governor of the great state of Florida, we are given a choice between a wishy-washy former Governor who has changed his political affiliation no less than THREE times now – that involves ALL of the recognized political parties people – and the current Governor who is nothing less than a SHYSTER (someone who acts in a disreputable, unethical, or unscrupulous way, especially in the practice of law, politics or business). I am going to reserve my opinion of any other jackasses that are currently holding office in this country out of respect for the few friends that I have who actually support them.

The only reason I am going to the polls next month is to vote to legalize medical marijuana, and if that wasn't on the ballot I probably would be tempted not to go at all. Seriously – how is this country ever going to get back to its former glory if all the ‘Good Guys’ are afraid to run for office? WTF is this world coming to?? It seems pretty clear to me why the ‘Bad Guys’ are taking over at such an alarming rate.

Yes, despite the horrific choices presented to me I will be voting in the Florida Governor’s race, although, I might just have to write myself in, because it really makes me physically ill to imagine either of these two idiots in office for the next four years.

Please exercise your right to vote, and if you are in the state of Florida, please vote YES on Amendment 2.

Friday_Your inspirational quote for today

Yup, that’s exactly the way it came, that’s the tag, that’s the bag it came out of. Is that irony? I’ve always been a little bit confused by irony, and the proper use of the word literally. I do recommend the tea though, very tasty and it really works *wink, wink*

I have totally run out of blog ideas at this point, so here is a really fun quiz that I have taken twice now. The first time I got OCD – go figure, now tell me something I DON’T know – ha! The second time I switched around some of the answers on questions I had mixed feelings about, and I got Bipolar, which I have suspected to be a major ‘issue’ with me for quite some time now. This was the most honest test, as far as answer choices, of any of these weird test thingies I have ever taken. It was fun – go ahead, give it a shot. 

What mental disorder do you kind of have?

Throw Back Thursday – A Novella

2014.9.25_This is a little gem that I started writing roughly a week after the end of my last semester at AAU, and I seriously need to get it out of my computer!!!

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." E.E. Cummings

BLOG: 5.8.2014_There’s no time like the present

Today is the first day of the rest of my life – how many times have we heard somebody say that? Truthfully – EVERY DAY is the first day of the rest of our lives. Every day that we are lucky enough to wake up, we have the choice of either accepting our ‘fate’, or changing our lives. I hate to think of where I would be if I had not “let go and let God” back in 2009. I thought at the time that I was giving up, I had reached what was probably the lowest point of my life; I have never shared this before, but I was spending a great deal of time on the internet researching ways to commit suicide – but, I got over it, and letting go turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. I credit Lynn Grabhorn’s wonderful book, Excuse Me Your Life is Waiting, for helping me to ditch the stinkin’ thinkin’ – stop worrying about what MIGHT happen, go with the flow and stop drawing more negativity into my life. It still amazes me how everything started falling into place the minute I relinquished control over my life. I had prayed for the right job for me with the right people for me to be working with, and viola, it literally landed in my lap, two days a week with some of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. So did my little house; I wasn’t even looking for anything at the time when the landlady called me.

I feel as if I have spent my whole life on the outside looking in, never fitting in, never belonging to any group, including my family, and never being good enough. And that is all perfectly understandable if you take into consideration that from very early on in my childhood I was criticized, made fun of and humiliated. I can remember being about 8 years old, and wishing that I had been born a boy, because boys had so many more options, boys were better than girls by far, and maybe that is why I was such a ‘tomboy’ growing up. I never played with girls – never played with dolls, or played dress-up. For me it was all cowboys and Indians or soldier games with the neighborhood boys.

Natalie

Isabella

I watch videos of my two youngest granddaughters dressing up and role playing as Disney Princesses, and I’m sort of envious that I never did that; I never actually had any ‘girl’ friends growing up. That started when I was in kindergarten; the school room was divided into a girl’s area with the dolls, the dress-up stuff and the ‘house’ playing equipment, and the boy’s area had monkey bars, cars, blocks, Lincoln logs etc.

Sometime around 1952ish

Obviously it was being drummed into our tiny little minds that a girl’s function in life involved vacuum cleaners and cooking equipment, while the boys had all the fun – but I digress – the girls would not let me play with them. All I really wanted to do was rearrange the furniture in the doll house (future designer), but they kicked me out!! I had to go and play with the boys. I blame my Mother. Here I was, this adorable little tyke with tons of gorgeous naturally curly sandy blonde hair, and she sent me to school in Oshkosh B’Gosh overalls and flannel shirts – where did she even get these things!!! I had no older brothers, did she consciously go out and buy me boy’s clothes? So… obviously my inferiority complex was well rooted by the time I hit high school.

High School Graduation

Ludwigsburg American High School – Germany

1967

I was raised in that awkward era between Donna Reed and Gloria Steinem, where on the one hand the so called women’s lib movement was telling me that I needed to have not just a job, but a CAREER, and on the other hand I had my Mother telling me that my career goal of being an architect was no job for a woman, that I needed to get a GOOD job and be a secretary.  It’s hardly any wonder that I ended up thinking that I had no future – my sister used to say that I was the pretty one, and that she was the smart one, and my adoptive father insisting that I didn’t need to go to college at all, because I was only going to get married and have kids. I’m sure that Kathleen still thinks that she is smarter than me, which I highly doubt, and it probably never occurred to my Dad that going to college might have at the very least insured that I landed a husband with a decent career so that I could be a housewife in style, after all, Donna did wear pearls!!

The American College of Switzerland

Leysin, Switzerland

1969

Yesterday I was thinking about all the time and money that I have spent trying to ‘improve’ myself, I always thought having a career was something that I was supposed to do. In a lot of ways I thought it would make me better, make me important, and make me accepted (or acceptable). In my mind’s eye I had visions of me looking stunning in a business suit and briefcase, leading meetings in high-rise office buildings with a conference room looking out over the city skyline. And of course there are muffins, all good meetings have muffins. But that’s as far as the visions went, I never saw myself actually WORKING. To be absolutely honest I really don’t like working – work is a four letter word as far as I am concerned, so I’m not sure why I have tried every hair brained money making scheme on the planet that could be done from the comfort of my home.

Home from ACS

Rugby, Warwickshire UK

1971?

Back when I was married to my first husband during the 70’s, it was almost an insult to be a ‘housewife’ or a stay at home mom (SAHM), women used to invent titles like Domestic Engineer in order to feel like they were doing something worthwhile, although I must admit that I preferred the title of Domestic Goddess; politically correct people at the time would ask if you worked outside the home. I think I would have probably enjoyed being a SAHM if I had been married to someone who respected and appreciated me instead of treating me like chattel. I adored my children, my entire life revolved around them. I would have homeschooled them, but there was no internet back then so I didn’t have the resources available today. We would take day trips to the Children’s Farm, have picnics at the playground at Sinnissippi Park, or spend the day at the pool at the “J” (Jewish Community Center). Of course ‘Jackass’ would come home from work and be all pissy because the house wasn’t clean and dinner wasn’t made, but my theory has always been that you really only have your kids to yourself up until they go to kindergarten, and the dirt will be back tomorrow anyway so why bother! I just wanted to spend as much time as I could enjoying them while they were little.  

Anna - Shannon - Mick
Christmas

Rugely, Staffordshire UK

1975

But, of course eventually the social pressure of not making a meaningful contribution, along with ‘Jackass’ never giving me any support, help, or money eventually won out and I started out on my life long quest to become a career woman.

Marco Island, Florida

Right after I ran away from home

Christmas 1995

 As I mentioned earlier, over the course of my lifetime I have made several attempts at starting an at home business – basically if you could sell it from home I tried it. I especially liked the ‘party plan’ stuff where all you have to do is set it up, show them how to use it, then back off and drink some wine, here are the ones I remember:

1.      Tupperware in England

2.      Tupperware in the US (actually qualified for the free car)

3.      Some fabric company

4.      Mary Kay

5.      Real Estate

6.      Sold bracelets on Ebay

7.      Monavie

8.      Tried to sell jewelry on Etsy

• And how many home study courses have I taken in an effort to have this elusive career BEFORE I decided to actually go back to school?

1.      Interior Decorator

2.      Wedding Planner

3.      Medical Transcription

• And how many times did I actually attend a college other than the American  College of Switzerland in an attempt to get a degree?

1.      Rock Valley in person – twice, now that I think about it.

a.      The first time was actually an Interior Design class.

b.      Second time was when I decided to get my degree, but change my major (really dumb move).

2.      The Art Institute Online – FYI it had been my dream to attend the Art Institute from the time I was 15.

3.      The Academy of Art University Online – I would have loved to have seen that diploma on my wall. But, too little too late.

So how many times did I try and get that degree? Five, five times I went back to school with the intention of getting a degree, and let something (usually stupid) prevent me from actually getting it.

So now I have basically bailed on my dream of getting my degree – again. But I don’t regret quitting school, I don’t consider myself a failure, and I don’t blame anybody other than myself.  Quite the contrary, I tried it, and I did very well, I just had to prove something to myself I guess. I quit because it was taking too long, racking up too much debt, and I had no guarantee of actually being able to find a job when I was finished  – I’m not really sure that I even liked it to be perfectly honest. It was far more difficult than I expected it to be, and I’m also not sure if it was the field of study that I wanted to be in. I always saw myself getting my degree in Fine Art, and granted I would have come out with a BFA, I think that all I really wanted was the degree and not the work associated with obtaining it, or even eventually using it for that matter. I am basically a lazy girl at heart – dolce far niente – I am happiest when I am at home by myself puttering around all day long. No set plans, no appointments, no commitments, no interruptions, just being myself. But – I digress (again) - if I had NOT tried it I would have spent the rest of my life beating myself up and wondering “what if”. The only regret I have about the whole experience is that I didn’t do it sooner. That I let my own closet skeletons; self-doubt, lack of self-confidence, lack of self-esteem and the ever present “I can’t afford it” excuse to convince me that I couldn’t do it back when I would have had the time to build up a healthy career. And that opens up a whole new can of worms – would I? Would I have done it back then if I knew then what I know now? 

I guess in the end it boils down to my ‘wants and needs’ analogy – the first thing I learned when I started selling Real Estate was to get the buyer to separate their wants from their needs, and I don’t NEED a degree, that was a pure want, that’s all. Having a degree is not as essential to my happiness as being able to do what I want to do, be who I want to be and not have to work my ass off just in order to keep a roof over my head and try to maintain a ‘clapped out’ junker vehicle.

So, all of this raises the question – who am I really? Is who I am now my authentic self, or do I need more work? Some would say I’m a quitter, but I prefer to think of it as I have finally learned to recognize what is necessary to maintain my meager existence, and what is not.

And besides that, I already have all the skills, talent and experience necessary to start up a Home Staging business if I want to, and I will be giving that issue some very serious thought after I get back from my visit to see Micky and Minnie next month (woohoo, can’t wait).

I guess now I have to start actually doing all the stuff I have been saying that I wanted to do, but couldn’t because of school taking up all my time. No excuses now *sigh*

Affirmation Wednesday

The sun can’t decide if it wants to come out or stay hidden behind the cloud layer, and I can’t decide if I want to get dressed or go back to bed. 

Daily Dose - Tuesday... even though it is actually Wednesday now

Morning:

Well – I already regret taking that nap yesterday – it had to have been at least 3:30 before I could fall asleep and now I just woke up – it is 11:30 am… and it just started raining again – crap!!

Afternoon:  

What an interesting day this has turned out to be – first the rain, which was pretty intense sometimes, and I was a little edgy as I watched it pooling up outside the front door. I had a terrible time getting the water heater to kick in, so I didn’t have hot water until around 4:00 pm. The minute it got to a decent temperature I rushed to take a shower so I could get dressed and start trying to look like a human. The Sun came out and was followed by these thrilling activities:

‘relaxed’ a little bit

Washed dishes

Swiffered the bathroom floor – which brings up the question as to why am I not bald, considering that I sweep up enough hair in a week to make a full wig .

Put on real clothes - well, yoga pants and a tank top, does that count?

Drank iced cucumber/lemon water and looked at catalogs - Contemplated ordering a new “massager”

‘relaxed’ a little bit more

Ate dinner

Watched tv

Drank wine

‘relaxed’ some more

I’m out of things to say.

Evening:

A GHOST STORY – a couple of nights ago I was sitting in my chair watching television or a movie or something, when I glanced up at the window in front of me, the rod on the blind was swinging wildly back and forth. Strangely enough, this did not freak me out, even though I know damned well that neither the air conditioner nor the ceiling fan could make it move at all, let alone start swinging. The only thing short of an earthquake (which I would have felt), would be someone/thing actually hitting it.  The End. 

Namaste

Daily Dose... Monday

I don't know if it actually rained today - if it did I probably slept through it.

I wish I knew why I am always so tired on Monday, even I don’t consider working two days a week excessive – it’s not a physically demanding job, but there are times when it can get a little stressful, could be just the fact that I am trying to cram seven days of work into two days. Maybe sleeping all day is my way of celebrating that my two day work week is over. 

This is my favorite picture of me and my sister Kathleen. Friday was Kathleen’s birthday, this year I sent her a text message, I usually send her a card, and to be honest I think I only do that to aggravate her, she stopped speaking to me when I was going through the roughest point of my life – which doesn’t really surprise me. When she was at her lowest point I was there for her in every way possible – so why the hell haven’t I figured out that no matter what you do for people, they will always take the first opportunity to stab you in the back. But hey – I’m not bitter.

Happy Monday – peace and love 

Daily Dose... Sunday, Day 5

Well... this posting a blog every day thing is probably not going to work, I already 'blew it' yesterday; I had a little blog all set to go, only needed to post it before I went to work - and I totally forgot about it. And oh look!! There's a 'schedule' link in the settings column - I wonder what that does - uh duh!

So... here's a picture of one cat licking another cat for your general amusement, I have to get in the shower and get ready for work now - have a nice day.

Peace, Love and Blessings

Daily Dose... Saturday

Turning over a new leaf?

 I have decided that every day, I am going to make a conscious effort with myself. Not just taking a shower and brushing my teeth, but making sure I use all the skin care products and wear makeup every day. I feel so much better about myself when I have some makeup on, there were a couple of days at work last week where I actually felt pretty. I don’t think I have ever thought I was pretty, average at best, never pretty. But if I am going to get serious about this YouTube channel thing, I need to be able to look at myself without hating what I see. 

Namaste 

Daily Dose... Working

 2014.9.17_Working

Have I ever mentioned that I hate working? Well, I pretty much hate anything that has to be done on a regular basis, like dusting and washing dishes; or takes me outside of ‘The Estate’ like grocery shopping, and working.

So, I have been trying to come up with some ways to make money that would essentially make me happy – I actually have it written down in my daily affirmations (that I should be repeating daily, but am not):

·         I want to earn money using my talent and creativity

·         I want to live in a safe and nurturing  environment

·         I always want to have a secure income

·         I want to be in a healthy and loving relationship with someone who adores me

·         I want to be spoiled, pampered and loved

·         I want to go through life always having full and total confidence in my abilities and myself

comunque  (Italian for anyway)  – I thought at one point that I could make money at this blog, but that is obviously not gonna happen with only two followers *sheesh*, and I would have to add ads, which I personally find annoying when I try to read other people’s blogs with these stupid things spliced into the context. So – good news is, I can continue to randomly prattle on with this venue since nobody reads it anyway, bad news is that I still need to find a reliable income source that doesn't take me out of my comfort zone.

The second idea is of course the one that I have already started and invested a ton of money in, and that would be making jewelry.

This of course would involve me actually making something – unfortunately I have fallen completely off the artsy fartsy wagon since the last semester I was in school – and now my worktable/desk looks like this… which now that I think about it, is cleaner than it was last week. 

So it will obviously take some cleaning up before I can even sit down – plus that, most of my projects right now are repairing previously made items, which I do not find enjoyable in the least. All of my listings on Etsy have expired, and I even though I am considering posting some stuff on ebay, that site needs a major amount of ‘tweaking’ before I would probably use it. But – that’s an option. I NEED TO MAKE A LIST!!! There are so many things I need to do just to get that kickstarted.

Soooo…  my other idea – which really is pretty harebrained, is for me to start a YouTube channel. Technically I already have a channel under the guise of ‘The Video Virgin’; even though I started it at least a year ago, I haven’t posted anything so far. But I thought it would be nice to do some tours of the area, festivals and local attractions, plus some on subjects that interest ‘funemployed’ senior citizens such as downsizing your life, small space decorating, and cooking for one, and online dating (of course). This would probably be a great idea if it were not for the fact that I despise looking at myself in pictures or mirrors, and I can’t stand the way I talk – my voice has a sarcastic tone that I find especially annoying!! So I predict filming will be pretty awkward. I need to start practicing talking to myself – which is only hard to do if I actually want to talk to myself, any other time I’m prattling on to myself all day long. I need to start describing everything I do out loud and not just in my head, in order to get comfortable with the camera – and do some test filming to see how ugly I am on camera – ugh!

But in the meantime, I will do what I seem to do best – getting ready to get ready – I already have my notes, lists, and post-its project underway, so now all I need to work on are elocution, and not looking scary on camera.   

Namaste