Throw Back Thursday – A Novella

2014.9.25_This is a little gem that I started writing roughly a week after the end of my last semester at AAU, and I seriously need to get it out of my computer!!!

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." E.E. Cummings

BLOG: 5.8.2014_There’s no time like the present

Today is the first day of the rest of my life – how many times have we heard somebody say that? Truthfully – EVERY DAY is the first day of the rest of our lives. Every day that we are lucky enough to wake up, we have the choice of either accepting our ‘fate’, or changing our lives. I hate to think of where I would be if I had not “let go and let God” back in 2009. I thought at the time that I was giving up, I had reached what was probably the lowest point of my life; I have never shared this before, but I was spending a great deal of time on the internet researching ways to commit suicide – but, I got over it, and letting go turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. I credit Lynn Grabhorn’s wonderful book, Excuse Me Your Life is Waiting, for helping me to ditch the stinkin’ thinkin’ – stop worrying about what MIGHT happen, go with the flow and stop drawing more negativity into my life. It still amazes me how everything started falling into place the minute I relinquished control over my life. I had prayed for the right job for me with the right people for me to be working with, and viola, it literally landed in my lap, two days a week with some of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. So did my little house; I wasn’t even looking for anything at the time when the landlady called me.

I feel as if I have spent my whole life on the outside looking in, never fitting in, never belonging to any group, including my family, and never being good enough. And that is all perfectly understandable if you take into consideration that from very early on in my childhood I was criticized, made fun of and humiliated. I can remember being about 8 years old, and wishing that I had been born a boy, because boys had so many more options, boys were better than girls by far, and maybe that is why I was such a ‘tomboy’ growing up. I never played with girls – never played with dolls, or played dress-up. For me it was all cowboys and Indians or soldier games with the neighborhood boys.

Natalie

Isabella

I watch videos of my two youngest granddaughters dressing up and role playing as Disney Princesses, and I’m sort of envious that I never did that; I never actually had any ‘girl’ friends growing up. That started when I was in kindergarten; the school room was divided into a girl’s area with the dolls, the dress-up stuff and the ‘house’ playing equipment, and the boy’s area had monkey bars, cars, blocks, Lincoln logs etc.

Sometime around 1952ish

Obviously it was being drummed into our tiny little minds that a girl’s function in life involved vacuum cleaners and cooking equipment, while the boys had all the fun – but I digress – the girls would not let me play with them. All I really wanted to do was rearrange the furniture in the doll house (future designer), but they kicked me out!! I had to go and play with the boys. I blame my Mother. Here I was, this adorable little tyke with tons of gorgeous naturally curly sandy blonde hair, and she sent me to school in Oshkosh B’Gosh overalls and flannel shirts – where did she even get these things!!! I had no older brothers, did she consciously go out and buy me boy’s clothes? So… obviously my inferiority complex was well rooted by the time I hit high school.

High School Graduation

Ludwigsburg American High School – Germany

1967

I was raised in that awkward era between Donna Reed and Gloria Steinem, where on the one hand the so called women’s lib movement was telling me that I needed to have not just a job, but a CAREER, and on the other hand I had my Mother telling me that my career goal of being an architect was no job for a woman, that I needed to get a GOOD job and be a secretary.  It’s hardly any wonder that I ended up thinking that I had no future – my sister used to say that I was the pretty one, and that she was the smart one, and my adoptive father insisting that I didn’t need to go to college at all, because I was only going to get married and have kids. I’m sure that Kathleen still thinks that she is smarter than me, which I highly doubt, and it probably never occurred to my Dad that going to college might have at the very least insured that I landed a husband with a decent career so that I could be a housewife in style, after all, Donna did wear pearls!!

The American College of Switzerland

Leysin, Switzerland

1969

Yesterday I was thinking about all the time and money that I have spent trying to ‘improve’ myself, I always thought having a career was something that I was supposed to do. In a lot of ways I thought it would make me better, make me important, and make me accepted (or acceptable). In my mind’s eye I had visions of me looking stunning in a business suit and briefcase, leading meetings in high-rise office buildings with a conference room looking out over the city skyline. And of course there are muffins, all good meetings have muffins. But that’s as far as the visions went, I never saw myself actually WORKING. To be absolutely honest I really don’t like working – work is a four letter word as far as I am concerned, so I’m not sure why I have tried every hair brained money making scheme on the planet that could be done from the comfort of my home.

Home from ACS

Rugby, Warwickshire UK

1971?

Back when I was married to my first husband during the 70’s, it was almost an insult to be a ‘housewife’ or a stay at home mom (SAHM), women used to invent titles like Domestic Engineer in order to feel like they were doing something worthwhile, although I must admit that I preferred the title of Domestic Goddess; politically correct people at the time would ask if you worked outside the home. I think I would have probably enjoyed being a SAHM if I had been married to someone who respected and appreciated me instead of treating me like chattel. I adored my children, my entire life revolved around them. I would have homeschooled them, but there was no internet back then so I didn’t have the resources available today. We would take day trips to the Children’s Farm, have picnics at the playground at Sinnissippi Park, or spend the day at the pool at the “J” (Jewish Community Center). Of course ‘Jackass’ would come home from work and be all pissy because the house wasn’t clean and dinner wasn’t made, but my theory has always been that you really only have your kids to yourself up until they go to kindergarten, and the dirt will be back tomorrow anyway so why bother! I just wanted to spend as much time as I could enjoying them while they were little.  

Anna - Shannon - Mick
Christmas

Rugely, Staffordshire UK

1975

But, of course eventually the social pressure of not making a meaningful contribution, along with ‘Jackass’ never giving me any support, help, or money eventually won out and I started out on my life long quest to become a career woman.

Marco Island, Florida

Right after I ran away from home

Christmas 1995

 As I mentioned earlier, over the course of my lifetime I have made several attempts at starting an at home business – basically if you could sell it from home I tried it. I especially liked the ‘party plan’ stuff where all you have to do is set it up, show them how to use it, then back off and drink some wine, here are the ones I remember:

1.      Tupperware in England

2.      Tupperware in the US (actually qualified for the free car)

3.      Some fabric company

4.      Mary Kay

5.      Real Estate

6.      Sold bracelets on Ebay

7.      Monavie

8.      Tried to sell jewelry on Etsy

• And how many home study courses have I taken in an effort to have this elusive career BEFORE I decided to actually go back to school?

1.      Interior Decorator

2.      Wedding Planner

3.      Medical Transcription

• And how many times did I actually attend a college other than the American  College of Switzerland in an attempt to get a degree?

1.      Rock Valley in person – twice, now that I think about it.

a.      The first time was actually an Interior Design class.

b.      Second time was when I decided to get my degree, but change my major (really dumb move).

2.      The Art Institute Online – FYI it had been my dream to attend the Art Institute from the time I was 15.

3.      The Academy of Art University Online – I would have loved to have seen that diploma on my wall. But, too little too late.

So how many times did I try and get that degree? Five, five times I went back to school with the intention of getting a degree, and let something (usually stupid) prevent me from actually getting it.

So now I have basically bailed on my dream of getting my degree – again. But I don’t regret quitting school, I don’t consider myself a failure, and I don’t blame anybody other than myself.  Quite the contrary, I tried it, and I did very well, I just had to prove something to myself I guess. I quit because it was taking too long, racking up too much debt, and I had no guarantee of actually being able to find a job when I was finished  – I’m not really sure that I even liked it to be perfectly honest. It was far more difficult than I expected it to be, and I’m also not sure if it was the field of study that I wanted to be in. I always saw myself getting my degree in Fine Art, and granted I would have come out with a BFA, I think that all I really wanted was the degree and not the work associated with obtaining it, or even eventually using it for that matter. I am basically a lazy girl at heart – dolce far niente – I am happiest when I am at home by myself puttering around all day long. No set plans, no appointments, no commitments, no interruptions, just being myself. But – I digress (again) - if I had NOT tried it I would have spent the rest of my life beating myself up and wondering “what if”. The only regret I have about the whole experience is that I didn’t do it sooner. That I let my own closet skeletons; self-doubt, lack of self-confidence, lack of self-esteem and the ever present “I can’t afford it” excuse to convince me that I couldn’t do it back when I would have had the time to build up a healthy career. And that opens up a whole new can of worms – would I? Would I have done it back then if I knew then what I know now? 

I guess in the end it boils down to my ‘wants and needs’ analogy – the first thing I learned when I started selling Real Estate was to get the buyer to separate their wants from their needs, and I don’t NEED a degree, that was a pure want, that’s all. Having a degree is not as essential to my happiness as being able to do what I want to do, be who I want to be and not have to work my ass off just in order to keep a roof over my head and try to maintain a ‘clapped out’ junker vehicle.

So, all of this raises the question – who am I really? Is who I am now my authentic self, or do I need more work? Some would say I’m a quitter, but I prefer to think of it as I have finally learned to recognize what is necessary to maintain my meager existence, and what is not.

And besides that, I already have all the skills, talent and experience necessary to start up a Home Staging business if I want to, and I will be giving that issue some very serious thought after I get back from my visit to see Micky and Minnie next month (woohoo, can’t wait).

I guess now I have to start actually doing all the stuff I have been saying that I wanted to do, but couldn’t because of school taking up all my time. No excuses now *sigh*