Diving into the Dating Pool

I joined eHarmony two weeks ago, and I am already regretting it. Actually I think I was regretting it the minute I clicked the payment button. It would seem that they have exhausted the eligible bachelors here in Naples -both of them- within the first week; they then started sending me matches from the surrounding area for a couple of days, and the next thing I know I’m getting matches from the Keys and the east coast, which is not good since I don't have a car and therefore can't even meet anybody halfway! So I tightened up my distance preferences to 30 miles and did not receive any matches for two days. This morning I went into the settings and changed the distance from very important to somewhat important, and instantly got seven new matches, from Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina and Tennessee!!  How can you start a relationship with someone that is three states away?? Perhaps eHarmony is sensing my ambivalence.

I don't know why I felt I needed to be in a relationship at this stage of my life anyway, I am notoriously bad at relationships – two ex-husbands and a long-term-live-in boyfriend kind of prove that. But, after all I have gone through in the past six years; the rebuilding process is pretty much complete now – I have a nice home, not well-off but comfortable, have an okay part-time job that doesn't drive me nuts too often, have lost 31 pounds and am almost to my goal weight, I have a whole new wardrobe, I look good and feel great. For once in my life I can honestly say that I have no complaints – so why do I want to screw everything up by admitting someone else into my perfect-for-me life?  Well, I guess that maybe I am just bored?

I have been pretty ambivalent over whether or not I should be in a relationship for a very long time now. On the one hand I prefer to live alone, I actually enjoy silence and my own company, and if I need somebody to talk to – well, here I am!! But sometimes I think that it would be really nice to have somebody to do things with. I have found that whenever I am indecisive on an issue, if I back away from the problem God or the Universe will make the decision for me. In this case one minute I'm thinking maybe it’s time for me to get back out there, and the next thing I know I'm updating my eHarmony profile. I don't even know why I chose eHarmony considering I didn't like it the last time I tried to “get back out there”! I had a couple of dates, most of which were pretty forgettable; one guy was a whole blog topic by itself, one was incredibly clingy, overbearing and difficult to get rid of. But I did meet one guy that I liked very much. Unfortunately the feeling was not mutual although we have remained friends ever since. It might have worked out if we were closer, he lives in Clearwater, and I would have gladly moved, especially since at that time I had absolutely no reason to stay here.  Still don’t really, I only have two friends left here in Naples, and one of them might be moving soon. So maybe that is why God, the Universe and eHarmony are sending me matches from all those other places – I honestly have thought for some time now that I probably won't stay in Naples, that I might want to move to one of the aforementioned states, especially South Carolina. Maybe that’s what’s happening here, perhaps I should try to keep an open mind.

I'm not really excited about diving into the dating pool – it gets a lot harder when you get older, especially if you have been out of it for a long time.  And if my track record is anything to go by, I'm not very good at it anyway.  Dating for me has always been awkward and uncomfortable. For some reason, I never feel as if I can be myself. I guess I am afraid that they won't like me; apparently I have rejection and abandonment issues.

Thinking about it, the last time I did eHarmony, Match.com, yahoo Personals, and POF, I was only interested in the guys who were waaaaay faraway – the guys that I had a snowball’s hope in hell of ever meeting - maybe I'm better at long distance relationships after all.

I will give eHarmony the full year, even though I usually bail after the first three months of rejection – if nothing else, it might give me some more good content for the book I have been writing about my adventures in online dating titled Please Remove Me from Your Mailing List.