Analyse this!!

I have been having the weirdest dreams lately – I keep dreaming about my ex-boyfriend of 12 years (Michael), and my second ex-husband (who shall remain nameless). I suppose dreaming about Michael is not all that unusual, I have dreamt about him in the past, but it has been more and more frequent lately, and in every one of the recent dreams Michael is so tender and loving, which is not exactly the way I remember the relationship at all!! He was not much of a kisser, and he really wasn't into cuddling either, so I really don’t understand why all of a sudden the dreams including him are all so sweet and soppy – sort of like a Hallmark Movie Channel production where the biggest event is the first kiss. He even told me he loved me in one last week – what’s up with that!

On the other hand, dreaming about nameless is very unusual – I absolutely loathe and detest that man, I swear I would run him over if I saw him crossing the street. He is the person who ruined Xmas for me forever. In the 10 years that we were married I don’t recall him ever being happy or not obsessing over something. He was the poster boy for depression, and he wore it proudly, like a badge - the classic cartoon character with the rain cloud over his head all the time. 

 His ‘issues’ were his hobby. I’m not sure what it was about him that I hated the most – his passive aggressive nature? If you have something to say, just come out and say it, don’t dick around!! If I left a laundry basket of unfolded clothes in the bedroom, he would be ‘helpful’ and fold them all – but then he would lay them all out very neatly, ON MY SIDE OF THE BED – so that I would have to move them in order to go to sleep. That happened twice, the first time I put them neatly back into the basket and put them away the next morning, the second time I had a hissy fit & threw them all over the room. Which was exactly what he wanted me to do – if you know anything about me at all, you would know that I am at my worst when I am tired or hungry. He took extreme and perverse pleasure in pissing me off – he knew all of my buttons, and didn't hesitate to push them. He really was a pretty evil person – constantly telling me that he loved me, which was the only reason I married him, it didn't matter that I wasn't in love with him, only that he loved me.  Looking back, I’m not sure I ever even LIKED him, he was so NOT my type – not in the least bit attractive, mind numbingly boring with unbelievable halitosis to boot!  And I found out later that he had researched me before he asked me out – I believe the term for that now is stalking. I guess I had overlooked the fact that people will lie and say whatever they think you want to hear in order to get what they want. He would shower me with flowers and cards and gifts, when he was cheating on me from the minute we got married, if not before – I find it amusing now how he criticized the German engineers that he used to travel with because they had a girlfriend in every port so to speak, when he was doing the exact same thing. I think he thought the farther away they were I wouldn't find out, and yet he liked to leave his phone bill with all the long distance calls highlighted, out where I was sure to see it. My sister told me that when she was going through a bad patch and living with us, that he was hitting on her, and he was overly friendly with the 15 year old little German harlot exchange student from hell that was living with us when my daughter was in high school.  That was a major part of the reason why she got sent to live out the rest of her US visit with the German teacher who set up the exchange.  Up until a few weeks ago when I had my most recent dream – more like nightmare – the only time I ever dreamt about him was decades ago, when I had this dream that he was skipping naked through a field of poppies wearing my favorite pair of red stilettos – huh??? 

And my main concern was not the fact that he was naked, which believe me, is something NO ONE would ever want to see, but that he was ruining my favorite shoes!! I can’t even remember anything about the latest dream, other than that he was in it which automatically makes it bad. The nicest thing that man ever did for me was divorcing me, and he only decided to do that when the child he fathered while we were still married got to be 9 months old, and I assume his baby-mama was bitching about it. Especially since he told me when I wanted to go to marriage counselling, that working on our marriage was not as important as his working on his 'issues'. I'm not sure exactly where getting some bitch knocked up falls into working on your 'issues'. The English have a saying that is so appropriate in this instance, “good riddance to bad rubbish”.

And then there’s the weirdest dream yet - a couple of nights ago I dreamt about my first boyfriend from high school, he was visiting me, along with Robin Williams. Robin was mad at his wife because she wouldn't quit smoking, and was puffing on one of those ‘E’ cigarettes all the time.  Robin Williams? Seriously? I have no idea where that one came from – I am not a fan of his, in fact, I go out of my way to avoid most of his movies because, just like Adam Sandler, he seems capable of only playing one type of goof ball. I think the only movie he ever made that I could say I liked was What Dreams May Come, and I liked it mainly for the cinematography.  So point being, where did that come from? I sure wasn't thinking about him, didn't see him on television or even in an AARP magazine article. I am still puzzled over that one. But I guess I should consider myself lucky that nobody was naked and try to move past it!

Another thrilling installment!!

How do you like the new heading for my blog? It seems so appropriate considering that is my eventual reaction to pretty much everything I do – what the fuck were you thinking Anna?

And that certainly seems to be the case with eHarmony, which is not proving to be ‘fruitful’ or even interesting, but here’s the latest update on that horrendous waste of time and money.  In the last, oh… I don’t know how many months it’s been since I purchased a year’s membership; I have only had five guys contact me. The only one that got into the email stage was the teddy bear collector from Coventry, I still have not responded to that email, and quite frankly I don’t know that I even want to. He seems like a very nice man, but he has a real 'sour puss' look in his photo, and he's flat broke!! I can do poor quite nicely on my own thank you, I don't need to move half way around the world to do it either. Of course in reality he is probably thinking of relocating here! I had so much of that the last time I played this game, guys just looking for a free place to stay for their next Florida vacation.

I got through all the questions etc, with two other guys – the last of which announced at the end of that process that he was not a member and if he met ‘the one’ he would join. Never heard from him again – and my question is – how the hell do you know if a person is ‘the one’ by answering a bunch of pre-set questions? Most people don’t answer them truthfully; even I question my answers to these things and wonder if I should put down what I think they would want to hear. “Yes, of course, I love being little Suzie Homemaker, and can’t wait for the opportunity to scrub the skid marks off your shorts", pfft.  None of the guys I have contacted have ever responded, and nobody even looks at my profile – which would have been very depressing for me the last time I tried this – but at this point I seriously don’t care. My main annoyance with eHarmony remains the fact that over 50% of the matches they send me either do not have a picture or have not been active for over a month. In fact out of the latest seven that I got this morning, five are not active – WTF!!! And it didn't take me long to figure out that most of the guys who want to jump straight to email with eHarmony are scammers. I did have an interesting experience a few weekends ago at work though, this guy walks in the door and I thought “he looks familiar, where do I know him from?” and it turns out he was a recent match on eHarmony. I hate it when that happens!! I remembered his face, because he had posted a picture of himself in BED – not naked (thank God), but it wasn't even a selfie, which really kind of creeped me out a little bit. I also saw an eHarmony match when I was out celebrating my birthday, and I had no desire to run up and introduce myself. Hopefully he did not recognize me since I had all my hair cut off. I have been getting a lot more interest on Match.com, and I haven’t even joined that site – you can’t do anything on that site without joining. Part of me says try it, and the other part of me says don’t be an idiot. I suppose that would be an easier decision if I actually wanted to be in a relationship, but at this point I could care less. 

Well – I could go into this in more detail, but I am going to save the rest of this novella for my next blog, don’t want to get too wordy here, God forbid I should lose my audience!

I do have a marvelous opportunity tonight in that I have been asked to help decorate some trees down on 5^th Ave for the annual tree lighting ceremony – so I am pretty excited about that. I finally joined the Naples Art Association, and hopefully that will get me out and interacting with like-minded humans again.

So wish me luck for tonight, my main concern is how cold is it going to get & how to dress!

Thanks for reading, and don’t forget to feed the fish!

Thanksgiving - whatever!

I hate the holidays, especially Christmas, but I will get into those details in a later blog. Thanksgiving and Christmas always seem to end up being days when I don’t get out of my pajamas and end up crying. Today would have been no exception if it weren't for the fact that I started crying earlier than usual. And it wouldn't make any difference if I had been invited to spend the day with some well-meaning friend, been there, done that, just waited to get home before bawling like a baby. Truth is if I can’t be with my family I would rather be alone! Thanksgiving and Christmas end up being just another day in Paradise – and I would gladly give up every single thing I own, live in a trailer freezing my ass off if it meant that I could spend time with my kids and be able to watch my granddaughters grow up in person instead of on YouTube! Oh don’t get me wrong – if it weren't for Diana’s You Tube channel I wouldn't be able to see them at all!! I have already completely missed out on Savannah, and Mara barely knows me. I am nothing but a name – the ‘other Nana’ for Isabella, and Natalie doesn't have a clue. The only time she has ever seen me she was 6 months old. I would be a complete stranger to her at this point. And it infuriates me that Grandad gets to be there for everything, because he hijacked my life and forced me out!! He hates me and won’t speak to me – and yet, where would he be and what would he have if it wasn't for me?? But – I am not going to go off on that particular tangent – that water went under the bridge 30+ years ago, won’t make anything better or different to obsess about it now.

I guess the point I want to make while I sit here waiting for my lukewarm dinner to be delivered from the English Pub is, be THANKFUL!! If you are sitting around a table with your family – no matter how crazy you think they are – BE THANKFUL!! Because you never know how long you have with them, someday you might lose them, or you might be really, really stupid and move, far, far away from them, and you will end up missing them like crazy and you will be very, very sorry!! So be THANKFUL – for every minute you get to spend with your loved ones, all the bad jokes you have to endure, the squabbles and disagreements. Because you never know when you will get another chance to say I love you.

And just so that you don't think that today was a complete bust, my daughter did call me earlier. I was half-way through a crying jag at the time, but I think I managed to successfully disguise the fact, and it made me feel a whole lot better to think that I haven't been totally forgotten.  

Well, my dinner has just arrived – and for some odd reason this has caused me to start crying again.

(yes, there is pumpkin pie)

So I’m just going to say Happy Thanksgiving to anybody that reads this, and if you are not alone today, BE THANKFUL, and don't forget to feed the fish!!

eHarmony sucks, and other updates

19 August 2013

Perhaps I am throwing in the towel a little too soon, but I have given up on eHarmony.  This service is probably good for people who live in larger metropolitan areas, and are younger.  But for me it has turned out to be a monumental waste of time and MONEY!!  And that’s probably the reason I am so pissed off at myself – I really did not need to waste my money on this.  But, seems they will not let me out of the deal, and I really am stuck with it for a year – soooo – on the advice of my dear friend Dana, I decided I might as well extend my distance parameters and set them to anywhere in the world!!!  Oh what fun!!  I have already exchanged questions and answers with five guys (sounds like a burger joint), one in Coventry, one in Queensland; I think one is in Montana.  And this week I got some matches from Hawaii, and Alaska, Colorado, New Mexico – Oslo!  So, I'm just going to play around with looking at pictures – sometimes I send out a ‘smile’, or I might send some questions;  invariably the guys I am interested in don't respond, and the ones that are interested in me are one step short of falling into the Quasimodo category .  

But – good news!!  I am very pleased to announce that I am no longer taking the rejection personally – going back to the time when I had dating profiles at every dating website available, I would be borderline suicidal if a guy wouldn't respond, or worse yet went through all the steps in the eHarmony courtship ritual, only to have him blow me off at the end and say he would rather pursue ‘another relationship’.  I had the delightful experience of meeting one of those guys when I was working in the housewares department at Macy’s, and he came in with the ‘other relationship’ in tow to buy a complete set of Lenox China.  I thought he looked familiar and it didn't take me too long to realize he had been a match on eHarmony.  Because he was special ordering a couple of grand worth of china, crystal and matching gold-plated flatware, I had to get all his personal data, and what-do-you-know, this guy owns a mini-mansion right on the beach in Port Royal. Now if you don’t know anything about Naples, Google Port Royal.  Allegedly Steven Spielberg has a house down there – which would not surprise me in the least.  Anyway – the future Mrs. Moneybags looked bored out of her mind and completely disinterested.  I was glad to see them together, because it made me happy that he chose to dump me in favor of the ‘other relationship’.  Even though he was okay looking, very well-mannered and polite, I thought he seemed like a very controlling person, and plus that he had beady, black, set-too-close together eyes that reminded me of a rat, (or my second ex-husband, oh wait – same thing) and to top it off, he had really bad taste in china, crystal and flatware!!  That did not prevent me from kind of stalking him a little bit.  I drove past the front of his house a couple of times, that way I knew which one it was when I walked down the beach – and there were tacky dolphin fountain/statues around the pool too.  

 Of course now I realize what a blessing it was that I managed to not get involved with somebody at that time – I was so friggin’ needy when I first tried online dating, that had one of those douchebags actually responded, I would no doubt be in yet another loveless and/or abusive relationship.  It was the first time I had been on my own in 31 years, and I really did not think I could take care of myself at that point, so I was terrified of being on my own, and I also have a tendency to kick the nice ones to the curb in favor of someone who doesn't usually treat me very nicely.

Even though I think I am probably too content with living alone at this point to ever be in another relationship, I still hold out hope that someday I will be able to fall in love.  Sometimes I wonder if I didn't already meet my soul mate, only to dump him for the crazy long-haired bad boy.  I'm pretty sure I did, and it was more than likely because I knew he could be a forever thing, and the bad boy was supposed to only be temporary – a one night stand that went terribly wrong was how I referred to it in later arguments with said crazy long-haired bad boy.  But the truth of it is that long-haired bad boy was the love of my life, and not a day has gone past in the last six years since I last talked to him, that I haven't thought of him.  I believe there is a difference between a soul-mate and the love of your life.  It can be boiled down to right and wrong – just because you are crazy in love with someone doesn't mean they are the right person for you to be with.  Not to mention my commitment issues – I am literally terrified that I will make the wrong choice, and get stuck with the wrong person – AGAIN!!

But as much as I don't understand why, there is a reason for me having all these bizarre relationships.  Perhaps all the screw ups are just getting me ready for Mr. Right.  The old 'you have to kiss a lot of frogs' theory in action.

Emotionally unavailable - that is how that little twerp, Mr. Bill, described me.  He was the ignorant hillbilly dickwad that tried to move in with me back in 2006 – the one I made the voodoo doll of.  Actually hillbillies have more class than he did.  And he could be right, I know for sure that I am a commitment-phobe, that’s probably not a real word, but it is a real phobia.  And there you have one of the nice things about the internet, you can Google symptoms and find out what kind of dis-order is currently popular among the psychobabble community.  Thanks to Google, I now realize that I am a little walking ball of crazy.  I discovered a few weeks ago, while watching Necessary Roughness, that I have something called Avoidant Personality Disorder – once again, a real disorder.  Dr. Dani was called in to consult an author who had not been out of his house in nine months – which would be me if I did not have my weekend job.  I've been saying for quite some time now that I am one small step away from being a full-fledged hermit, and I wasn't kidding.  Yes, I do realize that it’s harder to do things when you have no car, and it is either sweltering outside with 100% humidity, or just flat out raining, and then there’s West Nile Virus to take into consideration. But I am not exaggerating when I say that I haven’t actually been to a grocery store for so long now that I would probably just get confused and wander aimlessly down the aisles – probably start humming and dancing to the piped in Muzak. My second ex-husband HATED when I did that –so I would do it even more just to piss him off –I win!!

Well I was planning on covering my revelations on personal style in this blog too, but this is already too long winded and boring,  and I have wandered so far off the original subject that I don’t even know what I was talking about.  Next time – I promise – and don’t forget to feed the fish!

Perception

1 August 2013

per·cep·tion  

/pərˈsepSHən/

Noun 1.      The ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses. 2.      The state of being or process of becoming aware of something in such a way.

Synonyms realization - understanding - comprehension

Well I have been an eHarmony member for a little under two months now, and to say that I was disappointed with the results thus far would be an understatement. I don't know that I ever expected to find the love of my life with this, but I did expect to at least get some kind of reaction, maybe a date or two and some interesting blog content. But no, I got nothin’ – zip – zilch – niente - nada!! I quit counting how many matches they have sent me – six a day apparently, and out of all that, I have only had three people contact me. There was the guy down in The Keys; I ended up not responding to the last three questions because I just really wasn't interested. There was the 83 year old guy from Punta Gorda that wanted to bypass the procedure and go straight to email – once again I was not interested. I had one other guy from somewhere in the state of Florida that sent me the first five questions, him I actually found interesting and moderately attractive, so I answered the questions, but haven't heard anything back from him since. I sent the first five questions out to three guys and never even got a response.

I think the problem is probably a combination of esthetics and expectations. You see, what I am looking for is this:

But what I am getting is this:

Rather disappointing really – and with all due respect to Keith, he was never really all that good looking in the first place. But he IS married to a supermodel, which disproves the Beatles’ theory that “money can't buy me love”.

I don't know what aggravates me more, the fact that I ‘busted my hump’ (strange saying) losing 31 pounds and two pant sizes before signing up for a year? That I signed up for a YEAR!! And paid for it in advance!! Or the fact that out of close to THREE HUNDRED allegedly “perfect” matches, NOBODY is even viewing my profile!?! I guess I didn't realize that I was so hideous that no one would even want to read what I had to say. I guess that's what I get for posting a recent picture!

But that just brings us back to esthetics and expectations again doesn't it? What they are expecting to find is this:

But what they are seeing is this:

Well, the truth is we all get old, if we are lucky – and even the most beautiful supermodel of her time:

Ended up doing all of this:

And even with all that, she can still manage to have days when she looks like this! And she is nine years younger than me!

I'm not actually criticizing Janice – hell, if I had the money I would get my face done, buy some boobs, hire a personal trainer, and a dietitian, and then I am going to drastically lower the age limit on my eHarmony profile!!

Don't forget to feed the fish!!

"What we've got here is (a) failure to communicate."

It has been a month now since I joined eHarmony, and so far they have sent me 219 matches, some of the latest ones being from PA, OH and Texas.  I have spent the morning eliminating anybody that hasn't been active in the last month, is too short, too old, too dumb, too unappealing, lives in a trailer or has pictures of themselves pushing dogs (poodles no less) in strollers! I think I got two Js, and three people have actually contacted me. One guy wanted to bypass the question and answer process altogether and go straight to email, which I don't want to do for many reasons, not the least of which is that he is almost 80. I have played along with the question and answer process with a guy that lives in The Florida Keys, and have gotten as far as the last three questions, which don't have multiple choice answers – almost like essay questions I guess. I really don't like these 3 questions; it is starting to sound like an interview for a job that I don't really want.  Seriously? What is the most adventurous thing I have done in the last year? What 3 traits do I bring to a relationship, and what are my general feelings about money and personal wealth? Answers would be:  1) Joined eHarmony 2) don’t know, and 3) You better have some if you want to date me. I doubt if I will be continuing with that guy, he doesn't really appeal to me, even though he seems like a fun person – he’s in a band and plays percussion on his prosthetic leg.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, what is the deal with Zoosk!? Last week, just on a whim, I decided to check them out. I haven't joined the site, haven't even posted a picture of myself, just linked it to my Facebook image which at the moment is a yin yang fish drawing, and I have had 15 guys contact me – but here’s the humorous part - only three of them are over  40, the rest range in age from 18 to 39. What kind of scam do you suppose they are trying to pull off contacting a 65 year old woman that has no picture with comments like “when I saw you I fainted and hit my head, I need your name and number for insurance purposes”, and of course the old “did it hurt when you fell from heaven”.

In retrospect I don't know if I really am ready to be in a relationship, or even want to be in one. I have always had the theory that if it was meant to be it would happen.  But then I wonder how is it supposed to happen when I am one step short of being a hermit living in a cave! I don't own a car, so I don’t go anywhere – in fact the last time I went anywhere and met a man that I was even remotely interested in was last year on my birthday, when Dana and I went to Bond (which has since closed). I met two guys that started to talk to me, and after about ten minutes Dana whipped me out of there so fast it made my head spin. I didn't say anything about it at the time, but later the subject came up and she said she needed to get me out of there because they were getting “too interested” in me. Huh?????  I still don't understand what that was supposed to mean. Although I have to respect her decision, I was getting a little ‘tipsy’ (understatement) and probably about to start making a fool of myself, she was not. And as I recall, the better looking of the two, which was the one I was interested in, was kind of shy and waited for his friend to get there before he actually spoke to me. In fact I think it was his friend that made the first move, and he bore a striking resemblance to the Buddha. Even though I greatly respect the Buddha’s teachings, I don't necessarily want to date him.  So I really don't have a lot of (if any) options for meeting a prospective date/mate.  Bars have proven unreliable in the past, that’s where I met the first husband and the long-term-ex-boyfriend, and two of the worst relationships I have ever been in were with guys I met at work! Which is why I have a strict policy against dating people I work with – not that I have a snowball’s hope in hell of meeting anybody at work anyway, I'm only there two days a week and rarely see a human being when I am.

I guess it’s all irrelevant anyway – I've paid for it, so I have to stick it out for the next 11 months. It’s just not even giving me any interesting blog content at this point, I thought I would  at least have something funny to relate by now! Maybe I am being too selective – eHarmony is saying ‘yes’ because I have specified non-smokers only, they seem to think I should loosen my restriction so they can send me more matches. But that one is a deal-breaker! I absolutely will not date smokers, and I have found that people lie about it anyway. I can't tell you how many guys I met the last time I tried this experiment that had non-smoker on their profile but in reality were “trying to quit”, unsuccessfully I might add.

This is all starting to make me feel a little shallow and self-centered, but I don't intend to settle for anything  less than a perfect match, and why should I feel guilty when these guys aren't exactly beating down my door either. 

I guess I am just going to have to look for other subjects to blog about – like whether or not I am going to have to get the sandbags out of the shed! This year’s rainy season is making up for last year’s dry summer.

~Peace out and don't forget to feed the fish~

Keeping up appearances

So far eHarmony has sent me 126 matches – they are slowly branching out across the US now, last week they added Texas, Virginia and Arkansas to the list, and so far this week they have sent me Missouri, Delaware, DC and Ohio. I had to chuckle when I saw the match from St. Louis – that’s getting awfully close to my hometown of Rockford, Illinois! I wonder how long before they start sending me matches from Canada.

I think I mentioned in an earlier blog that I had downloaded my favorite book, EXCUSE ME, YOUR LIFE IS WAITING by Lynn Grabhorn to my kindle, and have started to re-read it. Don’t you love it when people say “this book/movie/song changed my life?”  Well THIS   BOOK   CHANGED   MY   LIFE! I first read it in 2009 after having returned here from the failed attempt to “go home again”, and had just lost the job that I had started only nine days before, after a year and a half of unemployment . I had used up all the money that I had renting the guest house, that was a block and a half from the beach by the way (insert smug face here), and was pretty close to being at the lowest point of my life. In a nutshell, the book explained the Law of Attraction to me – as if I were a three year old. I really liked the way she put it, “cruddy out, cruddy back”, and for the first time in my life I understood that my own stinking thought process was attracting all the things I did not want into my life; like unemployment, cars breaking down, bad relationships, and the way I looked. For instance, I remember when I was a  kid seeing a woman whose neck had something that resembled a football tucked under her chin. It actually frightened me, and I overheard my Aunts saying that she had a goiter. I didn't really know what that was, could have been an alien waiting to break loose for all I knew, but I was terrified of goiters, and swore I would do anything possible to avoid getting one. Not to the point of being obsessed with it or worrying about it constantly, like I would eventually do about my car breaking down, but I did send that “I don't want” thought out into the Universe, and sure enough in 2001 I found out that I had an undiagnosed hyperthyroid condition, and I had . . . . you guessed it. . . . .   a GOITER!!! Okay, it was tiny, I couldn't even see it, but it was there just the same.  

So as I look in the mirror, and see the inevitable changing landscape that used to be MY face morphing into my mother, I realize that all the things I don't like about my changing body are the same things I swore would NEVER happen to me! I have always had body issues, my step-father has the distinction of being the most critical person on earth, and I was teased and generally made fun of right up until I married my first husband, and then he and his sister took over the challenge of completely destroying my self-esteem. I was bow legged, flat chested, wore glasses, had ugly feet, etc., etc. and that was just my physical attributes. Honestly, I could never understand why the man wanted to marry me so badly in the first place, until about ten years into the marriage when I realized that he just wanted something different (I was an American living in Britain), and a green card! With all the negative comments about my looks, I was pretty convinced that I was average at best; years later I would look back at pictures of myself and realize that I was actually pretty.

When I was younger I swore that I didn't mind getting older, but I did not intend to look older. And that still holds true to some extent – the wisdom I have gained, and the experiences I have had over the years has only made me stronger. One of my favorite saying is “youth is wasted on the young”, and that is so true, if I knew then – when I was strong and pretty – what I know now, I could have ruled the world!! Or at least made better choices.  But that’s not the way it works is it? As we get older, our body stops producing collagen and everything starts sliding south. I don't know if it was the five plus years of stress, and the inevitable depression that came with it causing me to neglect my normally stringent skin care regimen or what, but over the course of the last year I have seen some not-so-subtle things happening to my face.  My eyelids are getting droopy, those awful dimples that I hated so much since childhood have now become massive craters and worst of all, I am starting to develop the dreaded TURKEY NECK/waddle. My friends will tell you, getting a waddle has probably been my biggest fear (more than being abducted by aliens) – which just goes to show – what you think about you bring about. I have obviously obsessed about it enough to make it materialize – a definite “don't want”.

So what, if anything does this have to do with eHarmony? Well first of all I need to point out that eHarmony was probably my least favorite dating site (next to POF) when, ten years or so ago I decided that I might shrivel up and die if I was not in a relationship. At that point I didn't think I could possibly survive on my own, and I didn't really like myself very much at the time, so the last person I wanted to spend quality time with was ME.  eHarmony kept trying to hook me up with a lot of really not-so-attractive guys, and even though I went on a couple of really awkward dates nothing ever materialized. Of course now I realize that I was the one making the dates awkward. I was so desperate to make them like me that I was afraid to do or say much of anything.  It’s been close to ten years now since I did the whole online dating thing, and my attitude towards it has completely changed. I think it could be summed up in one word – meh.  Don’t care if I do, don’t care if I don't, totally ambivalent.

The biggest obstacle to this process is the fact that I DON'T LIKE OLDER MEN – which is especially strange considering I am an older woman. I recently saw something that said that the ‘accepted’ age difference is half your age plus 8, in my case that gives me an age range starting at 40.5 – okay, I'm cool with that. Apart from that hit and miss online dating adventure ten years ago, I have only dated three guys that were my age since I got out of college. My first husband was six months older than me, second husband was eleven years younger than me, and the last long term relationship, and very possibly the love of my life, was thirteen years younger than me. I still remember the first younger man I dated, I was 21 and he was 19, not a big deal – or so you would think. My mother called me a ‘cradle robber’ – this is the same woman who years later saw absolutely nothing wrong with my marrying somebody 11 years younger – go figure. 

I chose eharmony out of the plethora of online dating sites because they supposedly match you up based on compatibility. This does not stop my first priority from being do I want to see that face when I wake up in the morning.  It sounds really shallow, but physical attraction is extremely important to me. At this stage in the game of life I am expecting this to be a forever proposition, I ‘settled’ with both of my marriages, and I am no longer willing to do that. Sure I have had some very rough times being on my own in the past, but I have managed to make it out of the tunnel not only unscathed, but very much wiser. But a relatively good looking and healthy older man that does not have twenty-year-old arm candy is really hard to find these days.  Unfortunately age has the same ravaging effect on men as it does on women, which would probably explain why so many older men are now sporting goatees – it hides the waddle!

Case in point, Tom Berenger, here is a guy that back in the day was an absolute drop-dead-gorgeous hunk – well, at least I thought so. I just saw him on Major Crimes this week and didn't even know who he was he had changed so much.  Now, seriously, Tom just needs to lose weight and he would look pretty damned good.

Does anybody know if Tom is single?

~Namaste~