Random Acts of Insanity: Part 2

Atti casuali di follia: parte due

2015.07.20_Monday_I AM HAVING AN ARGUMENT WITH MYSELF; I have some annoying little whiney bitch in my head and I am sick of listening to her negative bullshit!!  How the hell do you break up with yourself!

Tuesday_I have it straight from the source that at least two of my siblings think I’m crazy•  Those would be the original two, not the new kids on the block•  The new kids haven’t known me long enough to have formed an opinion•  I’m not exactly sure what I did to prompt this reaction, or when I did it• I don't expect I will ever know either•

I have been feeling increasingly odd ever since I got back from my Dad's funeral in Germany – like my life has been thrown completely off its axis• Nothing feels right to me•  My Ch'i is in turmoil•  I seem to spend all day, every day being busy but not doing anything productive•  Now, as a rule, I would just say to myself “you’re an adult now Anna, you can do whatever you want to•  Nobody to impress, take a nap if you want, nobody cares”•  And that’s true, I have all day, five days a week, to do whatever I want – but what I don’t understand is what is preventing me from doing the things that I am constantly saying I want to do? I mean I can understand the reticence that I have towards washing the dishes•  Hell, that is so mind numbingly boring that I have to get high just to even start it, as well as other household chores like vacuuming, dusting, washing floors, all aspects of laundry, everything domestic really•

But what about all the other shit that I could be doing like trying to tune my guitar, finish off all the jewelry projects, go for a walk, go to the beach for God’s sake, I live eight blocks away, I could walk if I wasn’t so damned lazy!!! But I don’t•  I do journal every day except Saturday and Sunday, and I try to meditate every day, but I don’t always succeed•  I have no idea why I don’t go for a walk, my neighborhood is beautiful; it’s like I am getting agoraphobia or something like that where I just do not want to leave the house•  I don’t even go and sit on my patio that much anymore; between the heat and OMG the mosquitos! I don’t even want to open the door because they are hovering just outside, they smell my pheromones and are trying to get in to eat me•

I can only describe that Germany trip as awful – actually I would have to be honest and say that in some respects it ranks right up there as one of the worst experiences of my life•  After I got back, when people would ask me how it went, I would just say “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times”•  Despite the circumstances, it was nice to be back in Burbach again; I always said that I wanted to go back there as an adult, because I certainly didn’t appreciate any of it when I was living there in the 60’s, apart from the architecture, that’s always been a thing with me•  Even though the ‘incident’ was unpleasant, I’m glad it happened and everything is finally out in the open•  I don’t think they hate me, but they sure don’t like me, and that’s okay•  Everybody doesn’t have to like me, and to be honest, I don’t like them very much either•  Just because you are related to somebody doesn’t mean you have to like them• That’s something my abandonment and rejection issues will have to deal with at a later date•  I knew when I went over there that it was going to be the last time that I ever saw the original sibs again, even though they both live in the US•  And that’s fine too, I wanted to see them again before I eventually die - I did - time to get over it, move on and LET-IT-GO! I am not going to go into detail about the viewing or the funeral – I think it would suffice to say there are some things you can never un-see, and let it go at that•  It was great to see Anne and the rest of the German branch of the family again, and spend some time getting to know them all a little better•  And then we have the wonderful German food and lots and lots and lots of alcohol, I have no idea how I managed to lose weight while I was over there, but I came back three pounds lighter•  So you can understand why I say it was the best of times and the worst of times•

Of course none of this rambling is helping me to figure out why I don’t do anything other than troll Facebook, play Covet or read all day long, when I could actually be doing fun things that could potentially earn me money – like working on my Etsy store, or the YouTube channel that I keep filming for, but never get any further than that•  Or even this blog•  You can’t build up a following if you only sporadically post something now can you?  I have to climb back out of this rabbit hole, and I don’t have a clue how to do it•  In the meantime, while I try to make some sense of this shit-uation….

Peace out!!

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Namaste