2014.9.25_This is a
little gem that I started writing roughly a week after the end of my last
semester at AAU, and I seriously need to get it out of my computer!!!
"It takes
courage to grow up and become who you really are." E.E. Cummings
BLOG: 5.8.2014_There’s no
time like the present
Today is the first day of
the rest of my life – how many times have we heard somebody say that?
Truthfully – EVERY DAY is the first
day of the rest of our lives. Every day that we are lucky enough to wake up, we
have the choice of either accepting our ‘fate’, or changing our lives. I hate
to think of where I would be if I had not “let go and let God” back in 2009. I
thought at the time that I was giving up, I had reached what was probably the
lowest point of my life; I have never shared this before, but I was spending a
great deal of time on the internet researching ways to commit suicide – but, I got
over it, and letting go turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made.
I credit Lynn Grabhorn’s wonderful book, Excuse
Me Your Life is Waiting, for helping me to ditch the stinkin’ thinkin’ –
stop worrying about what MIGHT happen, go with the flow and
stop drawing more negativity into my life. It still amazes me how everything
started falling into place the minute I relinquished control over my life. I
had prayed for the right job for me with the right people for me to be working
with, and viola, it literally landed in my lap, two days a week with some of
the nicest people I have ever met in my life. So did my little house; I wasn’t
even looking for anything at the time when the landlady called me.
I feel as if I have spent
my whole life on the outside looking in, never fitting in, never belonging to
any group, including my family, and never being good enough. And that is all
perfectly understandable if you take into consideration that from very early on
in my childhood I was criticized, made fun of and humiliated. I can remember
being about 8 years old, and wishing that I had been born a boy, because boys
had so many more options, boys were better than girls by far, and maybe that is
why I was such a ‘tomboy’ growing up. I never played with girls – never played
with dolls, or played dress-up. For me it was all cowboys and Indians or
soldier games with the neighborhood boys.
I watch videos of my two
youngest granddaughters dressing up and role playing as Disney Princesses, and
I’m sort of envious that I never did that; I never actually had any ‘girl’
friends growing up. That started when I was in kindergarten; the school room
was divided into a girl’s area with the dolls, the dress-up stuff and the
‘house’ playing equipment, and the boy’s area had monkey bars, cars, blocks,
Lincoln logs etc.
Sometime around
1952ish
Obviously it was being
drummed into our tiny little minds that a girl’s function in life involved
vacuum cleaners and cooking equipment, while the boys had all the fun – but I
digress – the girls would not let me play with them. All I really wanted to do
was rearrange the furniture in the doll house (future designer), but they
kicked me out!! I had to go and play with the boys. I blame my Mother. Here I
was, this adorable little tyke with tons of gorgeous naturally curly sandy
blonde hair, and she sent me to school in Oshkosh B’Gosh overalls and flannel
shirts – where did she even get these things!!! I had no older brothers, did
she consciously go out and buy me boy’s clothes? So… obviously my inferiority
complex was well rooted by the time I hit high school.
High School Graduation
Ludwigsburg American High School – Germany
1967
I was raised in that
awkward era between Donna Reed and Gloria Steinem, where on the one hand the so
called women’s lib movement was telling me that I needed to have not just a
job, but a CAREER, and on the other
hand I had my Mother telling me that my career goal of being an architect was
no job for a woman, that I needed to get a GOOD
job and be a secretary. It’s hardly any
wonder that I ended up thinking that I had no future – my sister used to say
that I was the pretty one, and that she was the smart one, and my adoptive
father insisting that I didn’t need to go to college at all, because I was only
going to get married and have kids. I’m sure that Kathleen still thinks that
she is smarter than me, which I highly doubt, and it probably never occurred to
my Dad that going to college might have at the very least insured that I landed
a husband with a decent career so that I could be a housewife in style, after
all, Donna did wear pearls!!
The American College of Switzerland
Leysin, Switzerland
1969
Yesterday I was thinking
about all the time and money that I have spent trying to ‘improve’ myself, I
always thought having a career was something that I was supposed to do. In a
lot of ways I thought it would make me better, make me important, and make me
accepted (or acceptable). In my mind’s eye I had visions of me looking stunning
in a business suit and briefcase, leading meetings in high-rise office
buildings with a conference room looking out over the city skyline. And of
course there are muffins, all good meetings have muffins. But that’s as far as
the visions went, I never saw myself actually WORKING. To be absolutely honest I really don’t like working – work
is a four letter word as far as I am concerned, so I’m not sure why I have
tried every hair brained money making scheme on the planet that could be done from
the comfort of my home.
Home from ACS
Rugby, Warwickshire UK
1971?
Back when I was
married to my first husband during the 70’s, it was almost an insult to be a
‘housewife’ or a stay at home mom (SAHM), women used to invent titles like
Domestic Engineer in order to feel like they were doing something worthwhile,
although I must admit that I preferred the title of Domestic Goddess; politically correct people at the time would ask if you worked outside the
home. I think I would have probably enjoyed being a SAHM if I had been married
to someone who respected and appreciated me instead of treating me like
chattel. I adored my children, my entire life revolved around them. I would
have homeschooled them, but there was no internet back then so I didn’t have
the resources available today. We would take day trips to the Children’s Farm,
have picnics at the playground at Sinnissippi Park, or spend the day at the
pool at the “J” (Jewish Community Center). Of course ‘Jackass’ would come home
from work and be all pissy because the house wasn’t clean and dinner wasn’t
made, but my theory has always been that you really only have your kids to
yourself up until they go to kindergarten, and the dirt will be back tomorrow
anyway so why bother! I just wanted to spend as much time as I could enjoying
them while they were little.
Anna - Shannon - Mick
Christmas
Rugely, Staffordshire UK
1975
But, of course eventually
the social pressure of not making a meaningful contribution, along with ‘Jackass’ never giving me
any support, help, or money eventually won out and I started out on my life long quest
to become a career woman.
Marco Island, Florida
Right after I ran away from home
Christmas 1995
As I mentioned earlier, over the course of my
lifetime I have made several attempts at starting an at home business –
basically if you could sell it from home I tried it. I especially liked the
‘party plan’ stuff where all you have to do is set it up, show them how to use
it, then back off and drink some wine, here are the ones I remember:
1.
Tupperware in England
2.
Tupperware in the US (actually qualified for the free car)
3.
Some fabric company
4.
Mary Kay
5.
Real Estate
6.
Sold bracelets on Ebay
7.
Monavie
8.
Tried to sell jewelry on Etsy
- And how many home study courses
have I taken in an effort to have this elusive career BEFORE I
decided to actually go back to school?
1.
Interior Decorator
2.
Wedding Planner
3.
Medical Transcription
- And how many times did I actually
attend a college other than the American
College of Switzerland in an attempt to get a degree?
1.
Rock Valley in person – twice, now that I think about it.
a.
The first time was actually an Interior Design class.
b.
Second time was when I decided to get my degree, but change my
major (really dumb move).
2.
The Art Institute Online – FYI it had been my dream to attend
the Art Institute from the time I was 15.
3.
The Academy of Art University Online – I would have loved to
have seen that diploma on my wall. But, too little too late.
So how many times did I
try and get that degree? Five, five times I went back to school with the
intention of getting a degree, and let something (usually stupid) prevent me
from actually getting it.
So now I have basically
bailed on my dream of getting my degree – again. But I don’t regret quitting
school, I don’t consider myself a failure, and I don’t blame anybody other than
myself. Quite the contrary, I tried it,
and I did very well, I just had to prove something to myself I guess. I quit
because it was taking too long, racking up too much debt, and I had no
guarantee of actually being able to find a job when I was finished – I’m not really sure that I even liked it to
be perfectly honest. It was far more difficult than I expected it to be, and
I’m also not sure if it was the field of study that I wanted to be in. I always
saw myself getting my degree in Fine Art, and granted I would have come out
with a BFA, I think that all I really wanted was the degree and not the work
associated with obtaining it, or even eventually using it for that matter. I am
basically a lazy girl at heart – dolce far niente – I am happiest
when I am at home by myself puttering around all day long. No set plans, no
appointments, no commitments, no interruptions, just being myself. But
– I digress (again) - if I had NOT
tried it I would have spent the rest of my life beating myself up and wondering
“what if”. The only regret I have about the whole experience is that I didn’t
do it sooner. That I let my own closet skeletons; self-doubt, lack of
self-confidence, lack of self-esteem and the ever present “I can’t afford it”
excuse to convince me that I couldn’t do it back when I would have had the time
to build up a healthy career. And that opens up a whole new can of worms –
would I? Would I have done it back then if I knew then what I know now?
I guess in the end it
boils down to my ‘wants and needs’ analogy – the first thing I learned when I
started selling Real Estate was to get the buyer to separate their wants from
their needs, and I don’t NEED a
degree, that was a pure want, that’s all. Having a degree is not as essential to
my happiness as being able to do what I want to do, be who I want to be and not
have to work my ass off just in order to keep a roof over my head and try to
maintain a ‘clapped out’ junker vehicle.
So, all of this raises
the question – who am I really? Is who I am now my authentic self, or do I need
more work? Some would say I’m a quitter, but I prefer to think of it as I have finally
learned to recognize what is necessary to maintain my meager existence, and
what is not.
And besides that, I already
have all the skills, talent and experience necessary to start up a Home Staging
business if I want to, and I will be giving that issue some very serious
thought after I get back from my visit to see Micky and Minnie next month
(woohoo, can’t wait).
I guess now I have to
start actually doing all the stuff I have been saying that I wanted to do, but
couldn’t because of school taking up all my time. No excuses now *sigh*
