Random Acts of Insanity...

8.12.2012_"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." – Robin Williams

Robin Williams just committed suicide – how very, very, sad. First of all that he was so depressed that he felt he couldn’t go on - I have been almost to that exact spot, as will be revealed in another blog - and second that we have once again lost an amazingly talented person.

I have always said that everyone is crazy in their own right, I am just a little more up-front with mine.  Which is my way of trying to explain this blog; the insane ramblings that make up my writing style.

Anything that is highlighted is the subject of a future blog.

This blog, which might be the first in a series, was started a few months ago, and as is my habit, I usually have around 3 blogs in the works at any given time.

I usually seem to write more often when I am upset about something – or generally feeling antsy.

Random Acts of Insanity Pt. 1

One of the interesting ‘side-effects’ associated with aging is remembering, or reminiscing if-you-will. Which is especially true in my case, because when you live alone you really don’t have much more to do with your brain other than recall the past, and start regretting your actions in some cases. Couple that with my habit of ‘winding down’ in the evening with a ‘smoke’ and a glass of wine – I like to sit outside when the mosquitos are not too bad, listen to Pandora with earbuds in, and watch the sunset reflected on the clouds to the southeast. That is when I start to have short spurts of memories – flashes if you will – usually prompted by something in a song’s lyrics, or something I’m reading. I try to record them whenever I can and expand that thought later. That’s why I almost always have my phone, camera, journal or kindle outside with me so I can jot down these stray thoughts. This particular blog was meant to show that process, complete with insane ramblings and one liners.

4.24.2014_What’s the deal with April?

April always seems to be a big decision month for me. Both of my divorces were finalized in April. I sold my house and moved to Florida in April of 1996. I kicked my ex-boyfriend out of my house in April. I signed up for the Art Institute in April. I always get wanderlust in April.

2 May 2014 > 6 June 2014_Very Strange Observations:

·         When I say the voices are back I’m not kidding

·         I make lists.

·         I make lists of lists.

o   I currently have 6 different little spiral notebooks

o   Plus lists on two laptops

o   A mini-diary app on my phone and journal app on my kindle

o   This blog is pretty much just a bunch of lists

·         I like my bedroom to be my version of pristine.

§  Like nothing out of place, but still ‘lived in’ looking.

§  I don’t have a clock in the bedroom

·         If money were no object I would flip houses

o   How do I get to that point?

·         I like to untangle cords and re-fold things like maps and pocket tote bags

• I have been known to organize random shelves in stores when I am out shopping because their untidiness bugs me.
• I once untangled all the wind chimes in World Market
• I used to like to sing along or dance to the piped in music at the grocery store just to piss off my second ex-husband
• I’m OCD about folding clothes – and closet organization
• I procrastinate about folding clothes, but when I do it everything has to be perfect
• I have a clothes folding guide so that everything ends up the same size
• All my clothes are hung in color groups with shirt sleeves and pant legs in ascending order
• I roll my underwear
• I want to invent a diet that consists of nothing but desserts

Ø  “Oh think twice, it’s just another day in paradise” – Phil Collins

·         I THINK I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE:

o   In truth I am afraid of people – trust no one! Which would probably explain why I have so few real friends.

o   I could easily have become a hermit – I really sort of am a hermit  now that I think about it.

§  I try really hard to not leave the ‘estate’ from Mon through Friday/ I rarely venture outside of my yard between Monday and Friday

§  I order non-perishable staples and restaurant food to be delivered online, so that there is minimal human interaction

§  I pretty much order EVERYTHING online and have it delivered to my house

·         I love to ‘read’ catalogs – yes, I said read. I get so excited when they come in the mail, I love the way they smell. My favorite all around catalog is the Sundance Catalog, and I actually do read the item descriptions in that catalog. Their jewelry selection is very inspirational, and I have to admit that I really enjoy daydreaming that I won the lottery and can buy everything they have (and of course I am tall and thin and about 30 years younger).

·         I have a thumb drive around here someplace, why can’t I find it?

·         I seriously HATE washing dishes – it is the WORST household chore there is. I have to get mildly stoned to be able to do it at all.

·         I’m the most productive when I have what I like to call a functioning high – I guess you could say it makes me highly functional.

·        I have mentioned OCD three separate times so far>consolidate?

·        I love spellcheck

·        I have thought of my ex-boyfriend, Michael, every single day from the moment I kicked him out of my home, I can’t say my life, because I continued to see him right up until I lost my life in 2008 – it’s like I have a massive hole in my heart, and sometimes it hurts so much I can’t breathe. How long has that been now? Since I kicked him out, not since 2008, I know how long that has been.

·        The Michael Playlist:

1.       Misguided Angel – Cowboy Junkies

2.       Train Wreck –Sarah McLaghlin

3.       Mockingbird – Rob Thomas

4.       Crazy Baby – Joan Osborne

MISGUIDED ANGEL - Cowboy Junkies

I said “Mama, he’s crazy and he scares me

But I want him by my side

Though he’s wild and sometimes just plain mad

I need him to keep me satisfied”

I said “Papa, don’t cry cause it’s alright

And I see you in some of his ways

Though he might not give me the life that you wanted

I’ll love him the rest of my days”

(Chorus)

Misguided angel hangin’ over me

Heart like Gabriel, pure and white as ivory

Soul like Lucifer, black and cold like a piece of lead

Misguided angel, love you ‘til I’m dead

I said “Brother, you speak to me of passion

You said never to settle for nothing less

Well, it’s in the way he walks,

It’s in the way he talks

His smile, his anger and his kisses

(Chorus)

I said “Sister, don’t you understand?

He’s all I ever wanted in a man

I’m tired of sittin’ around the T.V. every night

Hoping I’m finding a Mr. Right:

(Chorus)

He says “Baby, don’t listen to what they say

There comes a time when you have to break away”

He says “Baby there are things we all cling to all our life

It’s time to let them go and become my wife”

8.12.2014_Why am I always depriving myself of happiness. In other words, why am I always saying that I want to do things, i.e. the list below, and then never doing it? Why am I constantly buying things that I never use? Like yoga DVDs, a guitar, art supplies, a sewing machine, the list goes on and on!

What is holding me back?

Which reminds me that I signed up for that free meditation series that started yesterday and have not even gone to the website yet – perhaps a double dose of meditation is just what I need right now.

The to-do list… again! Try making a weekly schedule:

·         Yoga (2x)

·         Walk (3x)

·         Guitar (1x)

·         Italian (2x)

o   Listen to lessons on ipod while doing other things:

§  Gardening

§  Reading magazines

§  Playing Covet

§  Doing housework when not listening to Pandora

·         Write (5x)

·         Draw (???)

All sounds pretty good in theory… however… so far none of this has materialized

Money:

·         Go to the bank:

o   Get a credit card (check)

o   Student Loan (scream)

·         Budget:

·         Seriously try to make some money off this jewelry thing – I have so much money tied up in tools and supplies, let’s not let this one end up being a non-started like all the others – too much getting ready to get ready!

I was just watching Pioneer Woman, and it made me think about how much I always thought that I would like to live that lifestyle –when I was younger.

I think I would have probably enjoyed being a SAHM if I had been married to someone who respected and appreciated me instead of treating me like chattel. I adored my children, my entire life revolved around them. I would have home schooled them, but there was no internet back then so I didn't have the resources available today. We would take day trips to the Children’s Farm, have picnics at the playground at Sinnissippi Park, or spend the day at the pool at the “J” (Jewish Community Center).

Lately I have been hearing songs that seem to be written about my life. This one in particular describes my life when I was 17.

BEAUTIFUL DISASTER – Jon McLaughlin

She loves her mama's lemonade

And hates the sound that goodbye's make

She prays one day she'll find someone to need her

She swears that there's no difference

Between the lies and compliments

It's all the same if everybody leaves her

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough

The pictures that she sees make her cry

She would change everything, everything, just ask her

Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster

She just needs someone to take her home

She's given boys what they want

And tries to act nonchalant

Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction

She never stays the same for long

Assuming that she'll get it wrong

Perfect only in her imperfection

She's not a drama queen

She doesn't want to feel this way

Only 17 but tired

She would change everything, for happy ever after

Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster

She just needs someone to take her home

She's just the way she is but no one's told her that's okay

She would change everything, everything, just ask her

Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster

She just needs someone to take her home

She would change everything, for happy ever after

Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster

She just needs someone to take her home

She just needs someone to take her home

·         My favorite part of the day is late afternoon to early evening:

o   Journal

o   Magazines

o   ‘spiritual study’

·         I need to start baking – I can make better stuff cheaper and lower calorie – plus that I love to bake.

·         I wonder how many swizzle sticks are in the landfills *swizzle sticks*. I guess that would make sense to anyone who watches ‘The Middle’.

·         I hate being referred to as a senior citizen.

The end - for now - Peace out people!!

I love this girls blog - it is like reading my own journal!