The Domino Effect

8.19.2014_The Domino Effect

I hate everything about me right now.

I hate EVERYTHING right now, and after careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that it all stems from one thing – I’m broke.

I’m broke and it is radiating out to every aspect of my life. Now, I keep telling myself that “this too shall pass”, and I know that it will, it always does – but – that is not actually making me feel any better about the situation.

I just ran out of (face) serum and this pisses me off because a) I cannot afford to buy Lancôme, and b) it just reminds me that even if I could afford Lancôme it wouldn't matter because NOTHING  will make me look any better than I do right now. THIS ACTUALLY IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS!!

8.20.2014_The Lord works in mysterious ways…aka there are no coincidences

Even though I started this blog yesterday, this money problem has been creeping up on me for several weeks now. As I probably said before, I don’t understand how I could get a .36 an hour raise and go from online shopping for non-perishables, and restaurant delivery to grocery store shopping and suddenly be thrown into a financial ‘tizzy’ – but I did. And I have been getting increasingly concerned about whether or not I would have to pull out of the upcoming Orlando excursion because I have not been able to put any money aside. So last Saturday, my boss unexpectedly came into the office, and in the course of (sort of) requesting time off, I disclosed that I might not be able to go after all, and she said “you know Anna, you can always pick-up extra hours, I would love to get you in here more often.” Hmmm… I said I would think about it. And I honestly thought that I would rather try and get an increase on my credit card – so I convinced myself that I should try for the increase, and if I didn't get it then I would see about maybe getting in some extra time at work. Yesterday when I checked my bank balance I decided that as long as I was on the site anyway, I would apply for that increase, and it was going just fine – up to the point where I had to put in my income. Hmmmm – now, to be totally honest, I was surprised that I ever got that card in the first place, because as well as asking for your income they also ask how much you pay to keep a roof over your head. Well, my silly little two day a week job barely pays me more money each month than social security, and to be honest, before I had to start forking out $105 a month for Medicare I was actually making more from Social Security. I have always used the SSI to pay my rent, and the job pays for everything else. Well, the bank website didn't have an option for ‘pretty much retired/work part-time’, so I opted for earned income, and then I couldn't find my 2013 tax return, when I am usually anal about filing those papers the minute I am done using them; I’m hard pressed to understand why they are not in the file with the rest of them, but I ended up bailing on the application.

Fast forward to noon today, and my phone starts ringing. That in itself is unusual, because I NEVER have the ringer turned on! So I look at the caller ID, and it is my boss – shit, what’s wrong?? She never calls me unless something is wrong – so the long and the short of that conversation was that our Senior Administrative Assistant was “no longer with us” – hmmmmm – and recalling our conversation on Saturday, did I want to get some extra hours while they look for someone to fill the position. I don’t actually know which position they are going to fill, our full time front desk coordinator, as she likes to be called, will probably end up doing that job.  I’m sure she will be doing it in the interim, while I will be handling the front desk. I guess they did get a temp, but the girl doesn't dress professionally, and didn't do something with the phones – or something to that effect, so she wanted to know if I would take over. Well, I agreed to fill in until they find somebody permanent, only because I am a team player, and well quite frankly these people are more friends than work associates, and without Kim having given me that job I don’t know where the hell I would be right now – certainly not here!! I had absolutely NOTHING when I applied for that job – no unemployment, no food stamps, and no Social Security. She saved my life, how could I not step up to the plate when asked.

 So what am I doing instead of getting ready?? Writing/journalling/blogging – or whatever it is? This is what I do when I’m stressed out – I write. And I am really plexing out right now – yes, I need the money, but this is seriously fucking up my week. Today is Wednesday, and I didn't get the call until after noon – I usually do my laundry on Thursday, and do my grocery shopping on Friday, and I will be working on Thursday and Friday – and Saturday, and Sunday, and probably Monday, so that means I have to do laundry and get my wardrobe sorted out today – which will include having to sew on a button!!! ***insert hysteria here*** and when the hell am I going to get FOOD!!???? I also discovered this morning that I was out of magic beans (my acid-reflux pills), so I would have to make a trip outside of the estate today – that being said, it clouded over and started thundering – oy veh!

This blog, like every other one, is being written in bits and pieces, in between washing dishes and throwing clothes in the laundry,

I don’t dislike working as much as I dislike having to get ready for work. And I really don’t like having my schedule fucked up! So okay, I admit that I have a pretty simple schedule: Monday, do nothing – Tuesday, do nothing – Wednesday, do nothing – Thursday, laundry/clean/tidy-up house – Friday, groceries – Saturday, work – Sunday, work. I still get seriously manic when something throws a wrench in it!

This situation is giving me lot to think about: What’s that thing they say on the Christian Mingle commercials? I need to pay better attention next time I hear it. “Sometimes God is telling you that it is time for you to make the first move” or something to that effect. Maybe God is trying to tell me that I need to work more – but I don’t want to work full time, I actually like being retired. I wouldn't mind picking up one extra day a week – I would really love to not have to work Saturday and Sunday.

8.21.2014_Panic attack day two…

But that’s not accurate – after almost having a melt-down yesterday, today at work was actually nice. Let’s talk about that mini-melt-down, part of me was panicking, and the other part was saying “chill out, it will all work out”, and it did! All the things I was freaking out about either got done or taken care of – by taking care of I mean a solution was found.

•         I got all the laundry done, button sewn on and pants ironed.

•         I didn't feel like taking a shower last night, but I woke up 30 minutes before my alarm went off so I ended up making coffee, taking a shower, and editing the first half of this blog.

•         I asked Colleen if she could take me to get groceries after work tomorrow and she said she could.

•         Lindsey gave me a ride home tonight, and said he would pick me up in the morning.

So everything I had worried about ended up being a non-issue. And today at work went exceptionally well – there were none of the bad vibes that I always used to feel when I came in during the week. And everybody who walked in the door was excited to see me and tell me how much they wished I would take the full time job….. hmmmmm!

Soooooo – anyway……. In conclusion, I told my boss that I would be happy to work another one or two days a week if I could not have to work weekends. And her face lit up like a Christmas tree! It was the first time I have seen her smile in the last four years to be honest. I don’t know what will come of it, she seemed to like the idea, plus I pointed out to her that hiring two part-time people there would save the company money on health insurance. She, and every agent I spoke to today, really want me to come on full-time. I am not ready for that yet, four days is stretching it to be honest. But we will see, it would obviously be more money, but apart from having more hours, my pay rate would go up as well apparently, and I would have weekends off in order to go to all of the festivals and make those you-tube videos I have been thinking about.

Dharma hum – “my actions have purpose” – whatever the outcome, I know it will be the best thing for everyone involved, and who knows, it could work – peace out!!

Random Acts of Insanity...

8.12.2012_"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." – Robin Williams

Robin Williams just committed suicide – how very, very, sad. First of all that he was so depressed that he felt he couldn’t go on - I have been almost to that exact spot, as will be revealed in another blog - and second that we have once again lost an amazingly talented person.

I have always said that everyone is crazy in their own right, I am just a little more up-front with mine.  Which is my way of trying to explain this blog; the insane ramblings that make up my writing style.

Anything that is highlighted is the subject of a future blog.

This blog, which might be the first in a series, was started a few months ago, and as is my habit, I usually have around 3 blogs in the works at any given time.

I usually seem to write more often when I am upset about something – or generally feeling antsy.

Random Acts of Insanity Pt. 1

One of the interesting ‘side-effects’ associated with aging is remembering, or reminiscing if-you-will. Which is especially true in my case, because when you live alone you really don’t have much more to do with your brain other than recall the past, and start regretting your actions in some cases. Couple that with my habit of ‘winding down’ in the evening with a ‘smoke’ and a glass of wine – I like to sit outside when the mosquitos are not too bad, listen to Pandora with earbuds in, and watch the sunset reflected on the clouds to the southeast. That is when I start to have short spurts of memories – flashes if you will – usually prompted by something in a song’s lyrics, or something I’m reading. I try to record them whenever I can and expand that thought later. That’s why I almost always have my phone, camera, journal or kindle outside with me so I can jot down these stray thoughts. This particular blog was meant to show that process, complete with insane ramblings and one liners.

4.24.2014_What’s the deal with April?

April always seems to be a big decision month for me. Both of my divorces were finalized in April. I sold my house and moved to Florida in April of 1996. I kicked my ex-boyfriend out of my house in April. I signed up for the Art Institute in April. I always get wanderlust in April.

2 May 2014 > 6 June 2014_Very Strange Observations:

·         When I say the voices are back I’m not kidding

·         I make lists.

·         I make lists of lists.

o   I currently have 6 different little spiral notebooks

o   Plus lists on two laptops

o   A mini-diary app on my phone and journal app on my kindle

o   This blog is pretty much just a bunch of lists

·         I like my bedroom to be my version of pristine.

§  Like nothing out of place, but still ‘lived in’ looking.

§  I don’t have a clock in the bedroom

·         If money were no object I would flip houses

o   How do I get to that point?

·         I like to untangle cords and re-fold things like maps and pocket tote bags

• I have been known to organize random shelves in stores when I am out shopping because their untidiness bugs me.
• I once untangled all the wind chimes in World Market
• I used to like to sing along or dance to the piped in music at the grocery store just to piss off my second ex-husband
• I’m OCD about folding clothes – and closet organization
• I procrastinate about folding clothes, but when I do it everything has to be perfect
• I have a clothes folding guide so that everything ends up the same size
• All my clothes are hung in color groups with shirt sleeves and pant legs in ascending order
• I roll my underwear
• I want to invent a diet that consists of nothing but desserts

Ø  “Oh think twice, it’s just another day in paradise” – Phil Collins

·         I THINK I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE:

o   In truth I am afraid of people – trust no one! Which would probably explain why I have so few real friends.

o   I could easily have become a hermit – I really sort of am a hermit  now that I think about it.

§  I try really hard to not leave the ‘estate’ from Mon through Friday/ I rarely venture outside of my yard between Monday and Friday

§  I order non-perishable staples and restaurant food to be delivered online, so that there is minimal human interaction

§  I pretty much order EVERYTHING online and have it delivered to my house

·         I love to ‘read’ catalogs – yes, I said read. I get so excited when they come in the mail, I love the way they smell. My favorite all around catalog is the Sundance Catalog, and I actually do read the item descriptions in that catalog. Their jewelry selection is very inspirational, and I have to admit that I really enjoy daydreaming that I won the lottery and can buy everything they have (and of course I am tall and thin and about 30 years younger).

·         I have a thumb drive around here someplace, why can’t I find it?

·         I seriously HATE washing dishes – it is the WORST household chore there is. I have to get mildly stoned to be able to do it at all.

·         I’m the most productive when I have what I like to call a functioning high – I guess you could say it makes me highly functional.

·        I have mentioned OCD three separate times so far>consolidate?

·        I love spellcheck

·        I have thought of my ex-boyfriend, Michael, every single day from the moment I kicked him out of my home, I can’t say my life, because I continued to see him right up until I lost my life in 2008 – it’s like I have a massive hole in my heart, and sometimes it hurts so much I can’t breathe. How long has that been now? Since I kicked him out, not since 2008, I know how long that has been.

·        The Michael Playlist:

1.       Misguided Angel – Cowboy Junkies

2.       Train Wreck –Sarah McLaghlin

3.       Mockingbird – Rob Thomas

4.       Crazy Baby – Joan Osborne

MISGUIDED ANGEL - Cowboy Junkies

I said “Mama, he’s crazy and he scares me

But I want him by my side

Though he’s wild and sometimes just plain mad

I need him to keep me satisfied”

I said “Papa, don’t cry cause it’s alright

And I see you in some of his ways

Though he might not give me the life that you wanted

I’ll love him the rest of my days”

(Chorus)

Misguided angel hangin’ over me

Heart like Gabriel, pure and white as ivory

Soul like Lucifer, black and cold like a piece of lead

Misguided angel, love you ‘til I’m dead

I said “Brother, you speak to me of passion

You said never to settle for nothing less

Well, it’s in the way he walks,

It’s in the way he talks

His smile, his anger and his kisses

(Chorus)

I said “Sister, don’t you understand?

He’s all I ever wanted in a man

I’m tired of sittin’ around the T.V. every night

Hoping I’m finding a Mr. Right:

(Chorus)

He says “Baby, don’t listen to what they say

There comes a time when you have to break away”

He says “Baby there are things we all cling to all our life

It’s time to let them go and become my wife”

8.12.2014_Why am I always depriving myself of happiness. In other words, why am I always saying that I want to do things, i.e. the list below, and then never doing it? Why am I constantly buying things that I never use? Like yoga DVDs, a guitar, art supplies, a sewing machine, the list goes on and on!

What is holding me back?

Which reminds me that I signed up for that free meditation series that started yesterday and have not even gone to the website yet – perhaps a double dose of meditation is just what I need right now.

The to-do list… again! Try making a weekly schedule:

·         Yoga (2x)

·         Walk (3x)

·         Guitar (1x)

·         Italian (2x)

o   Listen to lessons on ipod while doing other things:

§  Gardening

§  Reading magazines

§  Playing Covet

§  Doing housework when not listening to Pandora

·         Write (5x)

·         Draw (???)

All sounds pretty good in theory… however… so far none of this has materialized

Money:

·         Go to the bank:

o   Get a credit card (check)

o   Student Loan (scream)

·         Budget:

·         Seriously try to make some money off this jewelry thing – I have so much money tied up in tools and supplies, let’s not let this one end up being a non-started like all the others – too much getting ready to get ready!

I was just watching Pioneer Woman, and it made me think about how much I always thought that I would like to live that lifestyle –when I was younger.

I think I would have probably enjoyed being a SAHM if I had been married to someone who respected and appreciated me instead of treating me like chattel. I adored my children, my entire life revolved around them. I would have home schooled them, but there was no internet back then so I didn't have the resources available today. We would take day trips to the Children’s Farm, have picnics at the playground at Sinnissippi Park, or spend the day at the pool at the “J” (Jewish Community Center).

Lately I have been hearing songs that seem to be written about my life. This one in particular describes my life when I was 17.

BEAUTIFUL DISASTER – Jon McLaughlin

She loves her mama's lemonade

And hates the sound that goodbye's make

She prays one day she'll find someone to need her

She swears that there's no difference

Between the lies and compliments

It's all the same if everybody leaves her

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough

The pictures that she sees make her cry

She would change everything, everything, just ask her

Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster

She just needs someone to take her home

She's given boys what they want

And tries to act nonchalant

Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction

She never stays the same for long

Assuming that she'll get it wrong

Perfect only in her imperfection

She's not a drama queen

She doesn't want to feel this way

Only 17 but tired

She would change everything, for happy ever after

Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster

She just needs someone to take her home

She's just the way she is but no one's told her that's okay

She would change everything, everything, just ask her

Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster

She just needs someone to take her home

She would change everything, for happy ever after

Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster

She just needs someone to take her home

She just needs someone to take her home

·         My favorite part of the day is late afternoon to early evening:

o   Journal

o   Magazines

o   ‘spiritual study’

·         I need to start baking – I can make better stuff cheaper and lower calorie – plus that I love to bake.

·         I wonder how many swizzle sticks are in the landfills *swizzle sticks*. I guess that would make sense to anyone who watches ‘The Middle’.

·         I hate being referred to as a senior citizen.

The end - for now - Peace out people!!

I love this girls blog - it is like reading my own journal!