Decisions.... decisions...

I used to blog all the time when I was on myspace – and, oh, for the record – I think myspace’s profile pages were much, much nicer than facebook and you could get really great templates and customize them with all sorts of cool stuff. Mine was the best!! I had my own little alter ego and avatar, did really cool picture blogs – and then everybody bailed and that’s why I’m on facebook. I don’t prefer it but it’s where all my friends are.  

But, I digress - I haven’t blogged in a very long time because I really didn’t think that anybody would be interested in reading my half-crazy rants. Then again, I don’t really care – for some reason I really like to air my dirty laundry on the world-wide web. To me it’s literally throwing my thoughts out to the Universe/God and hoping that it/he will hear them – and they always do. It takes a long time to get a reaction sometimes , but sooner or later it will come. Lately I’ve been having some really interesting thought processes going on and I have been writing about them, and I started to think that maybe there actually is someone out there who would be interested in hearing what it’s like to be an online student after 46 years or why the hell do they keep reducing my Social Security benefits? Or they might like to know what it feels like to be starting from scratch at 65 years old because you lost everything you owned due to unemployment. And there are other subjects too, like a whole plethora of ‘what if’s’. What if I didn’t move to Florida, what if I didn’t have to move to Germany? That one on its own is HUGE!!! Every single thing that is my life is a direct result of that one event. A defining moment – we all have one. Sometimes it’s our choice, and sometimes we have no choice. You turned right when you could have turned left. And from that one pivotal moment on there are thousands of choices that subtly alter your future.  What would have happened if I had not moved to Germany? I don’t know. But that’s all for now – I am definitely going to be exploring that last subject in greater depth sometime soon, but not now…. Gwyneth Paltrow was in a really good movie titled Sliding Doors which is about this very subject, I suggest you watch it.

What about you fictitious reader? What was your defining moment? Was it your decision, or someone elses? Did you regret it? I can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt, that I have regretted pretty much every decision that I have made since my Dad made the decision to take a job in Germany.  This, of course opens up a whole new can of worms on the subject of when your decisions affect other people – or makes other people.

Great advice Tupac - I will try to take myself less seriously.

And, as I go to post this, I think it is almost uncanny that I said some of the exact same things in one of the previous blog that I had posted – I forgot about that blog!! Anyway, I’m not changing it; let’s just call it reinforcing the principle. (wtf?) If you are a new fictitious reader of my blog I advise you scroll down to the first one & read your way up, really informative. And don't worry, I don't usually delve into really serious subjects.  

DON'T FORGET TO FEED THE FISH!!

Crime and Punishment

I used to blog all the time when I was on myspace. They were mostly picture blogs, but there are times when I am journaling, and for some reason I want to share my thoughts. I don’t know why I feel like doing this, your private thoughts should be just that, private. But for some reason sending my private thoughts out into cyberspace has an almost cleansing quality to it, especially when I am feeling overwhelmed. I don’t expect anybody to actually read it, I only have one follower to this blog anyway (hi Di!); I guess I am hoping that my thoughts will make their way up to God.

I found this entry when I was cleaning out some old emails – I don’t know why I was saving blogs as drafts in my email account, but I suppose it was a good thing, because when all my stuff was auctioned off I lost my computer and everything that was in it. This was a draft written in August of 2007, which was the beginning of the lowest part of my recent life, the beginning of the downward spiral that led to my losing everything that I owned. I say recent life because I have had lower points in my life, believe me, losing your children is much, much, worse than losing your possessions. And, I don’t even know if it’s fair to say that this was the beginning, nothing was ever ‘right’ from the minute I got here from Illinois in 1995, which is actually pretty evident if you read this entry.

Anyway, I thought this was interesting because even though I managed to sink to much, much, lower points after this – especially after returning from “The trip that shall not be named” as Diana calls it, I thought it was the end of the world as I knew it. And, to me it actually shows just how far I have come back up from what I thought at the time was a bottomless pit.

I suppose I should preface this a little bit, I was working at Macy’s at this point, so I did have some income coming in, but it wasn’t very much. I did not lose that job until October of that year, which in turn led to my being completely unemployed for 15 months, and I actually gave up trying to find a full-time job in 2009, and have been living off of my Social Security retirement and a 2 day a week job ever since. 
So, fictitious reader, here it is:

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT - Thu 8/30/07 3:35 pm

(That really is what I titled this one)

I'm not sure if this is going to be a blog or a rant, or maybe a vent.... I probably should not be writing this at all, but whenever I have something that is bothering me, I have found that it helps to write about it... I'm sure it's not appropriate for me to be sending this out into cyberspace, but nobody ever reads my blogs anyway so what the fuck!!! And, who knows, maybe God will read it...I have started to wonder if God is not punishing me for something that I did in a past life or whatever... yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that sounds ridiculous, and I know that God doesn't punish anybody & he/she only wants the best for us... but... ever since I moved to Florida my life has been one big financial cesspool... I have gone through more low paying jobs than "Carter's have little liver pills" (something my Mom used to say)... I even managed to fuck up bartending... how could I not make money as a bartender!!!? I was always in the wrong place at the right time. I am clearly an under-achiever, never actually wanted to work EVER... and quite frankly I don't know how the heck I made it this far... today's problems seemed like just another bump in the road earlier... but now they feel just monumental. I am becoming overwhelmed...

I suppose I should feel some sense of achievement really... I mean, what did I expect? It IS summer in Florida... I'm lucky I've made it this far with the pathetic paychecks I have been pulling in for the past couple of months... But, all the shit hits the fan next week & this could finally be the end of everything I have worked so hard to achieve here. Tomorrow the electric gets shut off, I don't have enough money to pay my car insurance, the rent is due on Saturday & I have ZERO set aside for it... and did I mention the telephone & cable bill??? I have been running one step ahead of the bill collector for the past couple of months & now he is beginning to catch up... and, yes, I know ~ everybody is in the same boat, this is what we all have to go through in order to live on the Gulf of Mexico, in the beautiful state of Florida... but... I am very selfish & shallow & I don't give a rat's ass about everyone else!!! I give a rat's ass about ME!!! I am the one who is about to lose it all... I mean what do I do about the car insurance??? Cancel it, sell the car on ebay & take the bus!!!? Well, I did take the bus to work for a couple of months while my car was off the road last year... but the bus doesn't run at night, so I am kinda screwed getting home considering I work until 930... my landlady waits with bated breath for me to be late or miss the rent so she has a good excuse to kick me out & rent the place to somebody else for twice what I pay... those are the biggest of the problems I guess...  so it's not really all that bad when you see it all written down... homeless with no transportation... sounds like half the population of Naples... I'll be in good company. I jokingly (sp?) said when I moved here 12 years ago that when I ended up living in a box at least I would be warm... I WAS JUST KIDDING!!!! I do not want to live in a cardboard box under a viaduct!! 

I never expected my life to turn out like this, after all, according to my Dad, I didn't need to get an education, because all I was going to do was get married & have kids... well, I have a news flash for ya Dad... marriages end... there are divorces & husbands die... and there is usually not a really great retirement & benefits package associated with divorce... I was lucky to get out with my own clothes with my first one. So, point being, I not only don't want to work, but I have no real qualifications to do anything I would actually like to do, or pays well... like be an architect, or an astronaut, or at least a designer. At this point in my life I should be getting ready to retire, not have to scratch & claw just to keep a roof over my head (barely)... I should be driving a nice little Mercedes or BMW convertible & not a 13 year old junker with no AC that not only leaks oil but burns it as well... and of course the transmission was screwed up by the last mechanic - and I use that term loosely - who installed a defective computer.

For me the saddest part of this whole situation is that I had finally started to feel as if I was coming out of that tunnel that I have been hiding out in for the last decade... I have actually started to really look forward to my upcoming birthday and all the 'first's that I want to experience after 60 like... entering a beauty contest, sailing the caribbean, participating in a civil war re-enactment... learning to play the guitar, again... race school @ Daytona, owning my own Harley, bike week in Sturgis, more tattoo’s, skydiving, scuba diving... but instead, I may have to start all over at square one again... what's the new catch phrase for that??? Re-inventing myself... sounds a lot nicer than losing your whole world in a week!!! 

But, I'm not going to worry about it, because the little voice inside my head - who I am convinced is God - keeps telling me that everything will be alright... and it always is... once again, I need to remind myself that 'this too shall pass.

Well, I guess when all is said & done, this did not end up to be either a rant or a vent, but more of a ramble... And, if you did get a chance to read this God... will you please help me out here!!! A small lottery winning would be nice... basket of money on the doorstep... anything!!!
And, on a whole new note... if you, imaginary reader, have not watched 'The Last Castle' then rent it!!! I thought it was an incredible movie.

And – as a post script – isn’t this a perfect example of “cruddy out, cruddy back”. I actually predicted my own future with my “stinkin-thinkin”. Even though I did not end up living in a cardboard box, I did end up homeless without transportation, with no income and living off $200 in food stamps a month. And thinking about it, that last place I lived, ‘scary house’, wasn’t much better than a cardboard box! Things didn’t start looking up for me until I decided to “let go and let God”, and adopted an attitude of gratitude.

Don't forget to feed the fish!!

And life goes on...

Well, my last blog was mainly intended for some myspace friends who were asking me what had happened to me since I disappeared in 2008. I honestly don’t think they even read it. Oh well - onward and upward!!

So what have I been up to since my first blog? Well there was the Orlando trip to participate in “The Grandparents Tour 2011” of course. I had an absolute blast!! I got to meet Bella for the first time. I think she liked me. I can only say that I don’t know how her parents can stand being around all that cuteness all the time!! Not to mention that she is good natured and happy all the time. I only saw her cry once in the two days I was with her, plus a minor hissy fit when Di wanted to put her in the car seat at the end of the second day. Which was amazing because she was either in a stroller, car seat or high chair for the better part of two days & she is at the stage between crawling & walking where babies just want to move around and discover whatever they can.

 

How cute is she?!?

 

And apart from just being happy to hang out with Dan, Di and Bella, there was the Magic Kingdom and Universal to explore.

Monday was the Magic Kingdom - I had not been there since Savannah was 3, and she is now 17, and when we were there we spent all day in Fantasy Land and didn’t really explore anything else. This time around Fantasy Land was closed, so I got to see all the stuff I missed first time around. We went on the people mover and got an over view of the entire park, and Dan, Di and I went on a pretty tame, but fun, run away train roller coaster ride while Di’s Dad, Dale, watched Bella who was conveniently napping at the time. Bella magically fell asleep whenever Di & Dan wanted to go on a grown-up ride!!

Me, Dan, Di & Bella at the Magic Kingdom

The highlight of the day had to have been when we took Bella on the ‘It’s a Small World’ ride. She was fascinated with all the clockwork movement on the walls while we were waiting in the line, and then once we got on the boat & started moving along, she started dancing & singing along with the music. It was adorable!

Bella using Daddy's head as a drum - precious!

Tuesday was Universal, with the highlight for all of us being Harry Potter!!! I would highly recommend it to anyone of any age - we all had a great time!! That was the first time I have ever been to Universal, and I really enjoyed it. I even had a moment of sheer insanity and agreed to go on 'The Hulk' roller coaster... all I can say was it was fun right up until the very end, and then my stomach caught up with the rest of my body & my face started to match my shirt (see pic below). My advice to anyone attempting this feat would be NOT to do it right after lunch!!

Di, Dan, Me & Bella in 'Hogs Mead'

The past couple of weeks have been unbelievably productive for me. I think I have finally come out of hibernation. It all started when I decided to go out for dinner at the little restaurant down the street & ran into a lady that I knew from my past association with the local Art Center. We got to talking and she led me to believe that there was a possibility that I could work there, which is something I have been trying to do for years, so I made an appointment to go in and talk to her about that. So, fast forward to my appointment which was at 10:30, I walked over there (it’s roughly five blocks) and we talked. Let me just say that you should never take anything too seriously that is told to you by someone who has had several glasses of wine at ‘happy hour’! It turned out that they aren’t actually hiring, and what she was referring to was a program designed to get ‘mature’ women back into the workforce. They did have a position opening up soon, but it would be more hours for less money. Seemed like a ‘no brainer’ to me, I’m trying to get out of the workforce, and working more hours gives me less time to make jewelry, which is how I would prefer to support myself. But, I did end up signing up to be a volunteer, and to sit in the gallery every Thursday this month. I also picked up a flier for some classes that they offer, and maybe between those two things I can get over this ‘Artist’s Block’ that I have had for the last 40 years. From there I decided to just walk home via 5^th Ave and do some ‘window shopping’. That actually turned out to be a really good excursion, because I got to check out what other people are making and selling, nothing like what I’m doing right now, so that’s a really good thing.

When I got home I cleaned ‘house’, which involved tearing the whole place apart, moving half the furniture outside & mopping the floor in stages because it takes so long for it to dry. Then on Tuesday the productive streak continued with my actually working on my latest jewelry project, Wednesday I went to the library - and after that I lost track of which day I did what, but apart from all the cleaning, I did a whole bunch of ironing & just generally managed to stay busy and get out of the house everyday. Which is a sure sign that spring has sprung here in southwest Florida!

'Frog belly' coil necklace - work in progress

Right now I am sitting outside, enjoying a rare moment of internet service at home, watching lizards chase each other & a beautiful little yellow finch flitting around in the trees. I was going to go to the beach, but now I have changed my mind & I think I will work on the jewelry project and then head down to Starbucks to play my games.

Don't forget to feed the fish!!
　
　

Dude-I got a Dell… and other high (& low) lights of the last 2 years

I just finished reading some of my old blogs… how sad. First of all, I haven’t posted a blog since December of ‘08, and that was an old one that I just reposted because I didn’t have the enthusiasm to come up with a new one. So I just removed that one. But, the second reason I said how sad, was because I was, very, very, sad.

Those of you who were with me back then might remember that after being unemployed for 11 months, I reluctantly agreed to return to Illinois. I can’t remember a time when I ever really liked it there. It was where I grew up, but as far back as I could recall I had nothing but bad memories from that place. Two bad marriages, losing custody of my kids, a lying-cheating second husband, the foreign exchange student from hell, and my Mother’s losing battle with cancer. I was none too excited to give up the life in Florida that I had worked so hard to accomplish. But, as they say, all good things must come to an end, so in Sept ‘08 the movers came to pack up all my worldly possessions, and I headed for Illinois with nothing more than what would fit into one suitcase.

Well, without going into too much detail, I will just say that it didn’t work out, and I learned some things about human nature that I really didn’t want to know. I couldn’t find a job up there - let’s face it, things are bad everywhere, and when you are over 60 and competing with the newly unemployed that are half your age you really don’t have a chance. So, next thing I know, I find myself on a Greyhound bus heading south with nothing more than the suitcase I brought up with me, and nothing to go back to. I honestly have never been so scared in my life, and the fact that nobody seemed to care about what happened to me didn’t go unnoticed either. Fortunately for me, I did have a couple of really good friends back in Florida that helped me out. Cathie picked me up from the bus station, and Christie gave me a place to stay for a while.

Once again, sparing the gory details, life was not a bowl of cherries when I got back here either. I found a job straight away, but the woman I worked for turned out to be the fire breathing hag from hell who raised bitch to a whole new level, and (thankfully) it only lasted 9 days. Of course, in those 9 days I had managed to get moved into a little guest house by the beach, and fool myself into thinking that everything was all “hunky dory” again. Wrong - I spent all day everyday applying for every single job I could find. I didn’t have a computer, so I would either take the bus to the Agency for Workforce Innovation office, or ride a bike to the library to apply for jobs online.

By April/May, I was desperate to find a full time job. I needed to get an apartment, get a car, and get my “stuff” back from the movers in Miami. At the end of May, I finally gave up trying to find a full time job and decided to opt for two (or more) part time jobs. I wasn’t getting unemployment because the last job I had was working for a temp agency & you can’t claim unemployment from them because you are only a temporary employee. I did eventually get one part time job by the beginning of June, but by that time it was too little too late. I ended up living on food stamps and getting ejected from the guest house by the end of June of ‘09.
　
Technically I was homeless for the entire month of July, but I had a “friend” who really owed me a huge favor so I was able to stay at her place for the month. That actually only added to the nightmare - she lived in an area of town that I will be kind and just say was unsavory. Every other apartment in the complex was inhabited by either a crack-head or a crack dealer, and I learned some things about my “friend” that I really wish I hadn’t. Once again, human nature rears it’s ugly head.

Still, desperate times call for desperate measures don’t they, and moving out of there became my highest priority. I found the place I’m at now quite by accident. Christie knew I needed to find a cheaper place to live, and that I wanted to stay in Old Naples. So, before I moved out of the guest house she was driving through this neighborhood when she saw a “for rent” sign in front of a cute little blue cottage with white trim. I got on the bike to check it out and get the phone number when I spotted the “for rent” sign in front of this other place in the next block.

I have to admit that the first time I saw this place it scared me. It was honestly foreboding. Hidden amongst large trees, it was dark, dirty, dismal and quite frankly it looked abandoned. I called the number for the cute place, but nobody ever answered, I left a message, but nobody ever called me back. After waiting a couple days with no call back, I called the number for “scary house” and got an appointment to see it that night. Well, it was no friendlier when I looked at the place the first time - the owner was not able to meet me until after 8pm and of course by that time it was dark and there are no overhead lights in here, so all I could really do was get a feel for the size of the space. Well, I really didn’t have the money to get into anywhere at that point, which is how I ended up spending the month of July being homeless. By the end of July I had managed to save up some money to (hopefully) be able to get an apartment, so I hopped on the bike and cruised the neighborhood. And, once again, scary place had a “for rent” sign outside again. So, long story short, I called the landlord, told him I would take it and ended up picking up the key July 27^th.

Well, the day I moved in was a real treat. I opened the door and the smell was so overpowering it made my eyes water. What I couldn’t see the night I first looked at it was glaringly obvious during the light of day. First of all the roof had been leaking for years, plus the previous tenant had been a crack dealer. The smell was from mildew, and every surface was covered with this gooey brown syrupy substance. I actually just sat down and cried. I could not believe that my life had deteriorated to that point.

So, here I was, living in one smelly room, with nothing more than a part-time job, and the only furniture I had was an air mattress that Christie lent to me and some hand-me-down stuff from Cathie. Quite frankly I was depressed to say the least. Until I realized that what I had been given was a ’do over’. Not too many people are lucky enough to get one or smart enough to realize what they are. And I have to admit that I didn’t see it that way at first either.

It’s true what they say about you get what you ask for - I had always thought that meant that you had to spend your life spouting positive thoughts all the time. And I am not very good at positive thinking, what I did not realize was that in the whole “what you think about you bring about” theory, when all you do is worry and fret and think about all the bad things in your life - all you attract into your life is the same crap you were worrying about in the first place. For me it was a total “uh duh” moment, ‘crappy out - crappy back‘ as simple as that. Imagine my surprise when I realized that living in this cheap little dump afforded me the luxury of not having to work full time. That I could finally do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it! I filed for my social security benefits early, so I now have enough money to live comfortably.

Oh it hasn’t been all smooth going - I was borderline suicidal when the movers wanted to auction off all of my worldly possessions; but after having a talk with my son, he made me realize that all that stuff had just been holding me back for so many years. How many times had I wandered around my condo looking at it all & thinking “if I didn’t have all this stuff I could move to someplace I would rather be - maybe be happy again.” I read somewhere that sometimes the things we work the hardest to attain become like a rock around our neck, holding us back. Sure, I had it all, but I had to work at crappy jobs I hated just to keep a roof over it. Having lost it all has given me the opportunity to get all new BETTER stuff and not having much room means I have to get rid of some stuff before I bring in new stuff.

My favorite quote of all time is:

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you’ve imagined” (Thoreau)

I used to have that on a paperweight on my desk. I just never realized that it was possible until I ended up here. I had always dreamed of living in a little bungalow by the beach - okay, granted it is not quite what I had in mind, but here I am, one and a half blocks from Naples Bay and eight blocks from the Gulf of Mexico.

And, I am nothing if not resourceful. But, with a little bit of elbow grease, a couple of cans of paint & some build it yourself furniture, I now have a cute, cozy little home in a very desirable location. I spend my time doing what I want to do when I want to do it. I am also starting to do some of the things I have wanted to do for years, but always had an excuse not to do, like I started to play the guitar again.

I was supposed to spend last year looking after myself, losing weight, getting back in shape. I did not. But I have actually eliminated all of my excuses as to why not, and taken the steps necessary to start that this year, so lets see what happens with that.

So there you have it folks, my history in a nutshell. I have never had less in my life, and yet I have never been happier either.

Obviously proves that less (stuff) is more (happiness).