Be careful what you wish for = second thoughts

“Now is the winter of our discontent” - William Shakespeare

William III, Act 1 Scene 1

My ex-boyfriend used to say that to me all the time, “be careful what you wish for, it just might come true.” I think he was probably referring to himself, because for all his good points, he could be a real nightmare sometimes.

Lately I have been so terribly discontent that I don’t even want to get out of bed in the mornings. I’m not sure exactly what is causing it, but this seems to just be the tip of the iceberg for me – I am very displeased with life in general, and school in particular. I am seriously questioning my motives for starting this crap in the first place. Was it just because I was denied the opportunity to get a degree when I was younger? Do I really want to be an Interior Architect? Do I actually want a career – job – whatever – at all? At the moment I can’t see past the fact that I am racking up thousands and thousands of dollars of debt in student loans with absolutely no guarantee that I will even be able to get a job once I’m done. I am honestly wondering if I should just be trying to figure out how to start paying the loans off, finish this semester and then just pack it in.

Next month marks the three year anniversary of two major milestones in my recent life – moving into my current home, and starting this journey towards higher education - the first year and a half of that was wasted working on an associate’s degree that I am no longer pursuing, most of the classes I took didn't even transfer over to my new degree program. My projected graduation date when I switched schools was 2016, and yet in the last year and a half I have only completed the classes necessary for the first semester of a four year degree. And worst of all – I am feeling the same way about this program now that I was feeling about the Kitchen and Bath design program towards the end – pissed off, fed up, worn out and disillusioned.

Here are some random thoughts I have had regarding school recently:

• My dad was right – I am not cut out for college. But he was wrong when he said that all I was good for was getting married and having kids, because I wasn’t any good at that either.
• This wasn't even my idea – it was Doris’, and she thought I was 20 years younger than I am for some weird reason. I don’t know why anyone would think that I look like a 40 year old – it is an insult to 40 year olds everywhere!! I may look young for my age, but I still look like I’m in my 60’s.
• I have no life now which is compounded by the fact that I have no car. I haven’t been to the grocery store in two years because the closest market is too expensive and doesn’t sell ‘regular’ food, and it’s a day trip when I have to take the bus somewhere and I can’t afford to take a day off from studying.
• I was actually enjoying my retirement before I started this, I was doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to, I didn’t have assignments, deadlines, tests or anything else to stress me out. I could go wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted to – not have to wait for semester break to plan a trip or end up so seriously behind in assignments that I can’t possibly dig myself out.
• At the rate I am going it will take me 12 years to complete a four year degree, and at that point I will be 78 years old, competing with fresh-faced little 20 year olds for what few design jobs that are going to be out there – seriously, who knows what the job market will be like in 12 years’ time. Hell – I could be dead in 12 years’ time, and I don’t want to spend my last days on earth being stressed out and pissed off all the time.

 So this is all ‘food for thought’ as the old saying goes. I have 3 weeks left until the end of this semester, and then I have the summer off to make up my mind.

I would just like to be able to:

·         Read a book for the sheer enjoyment of it.

·         Not feel guilty for reading a magazine.

·         Clean my house!!

·         Go grocery shopping.

·         Cook for myself again.

·         Finish all the half completed jewelry projects.

·         Do yoga (after I vacuum my rug)

·         Take classes at the local art center (I paid $200 for a sketching class that I attended twice because I was behind on assignments and couldn't take an afternoon off once a week.)

·         Go to the beach.

·         Work in my yard – plant a vegetable garden – without the guilt!

·         Start playing my guitar.

·         Sketch because I WANT to and not because I have to.

·         Go on a cruise or vacation whenever I want to and not have to worry about how I am going to catch up on assignments.

·         Go window shopping on 5^th Avenue.

·         Check out galleries on 3^rd Street.

·         Attend a ‘Meet-ups’ group.

·         Work on my Italian language class.

·         Blog more often – once again, without the guilt.

          

I really just want my life back now – I feel as if I have lost control, and that is a feeling that I just do not enjoy. So, I have to try and make it through the next three weeks without some kind of meltdown, and then I have the summer to make my decision. And I have to start with analyzing my motivation to start this in the first place.

Happy Earth Day!!