Crime and Punishment

I used to blog all the time when I was on myspace. They were mostly picture blogs, but there are times when I am journaling, and for some reason I want to share my thoughts. I don’t know why I feel like doing this, your private thoughts should be just that, private. But for some reason sending my private thoughts out into cyberspace has an almost cleansing quality to it, especially when I am feeling overwhelmed. I don’t expect anybody to actually read it, I only have one follower to this blog anyway (hi Di!); I guess I am hoping that my thoughts will make their way up to God.

I found this entry when I was cleaning out some old emails – I don’t know why I was saving blogs as drafts in my email account, but I suppose it was a good thing, because when all my stuff was auctioned off I lost my computer and everything that was in it. This was a draft written in August of 2007, which was the beginning of the lowest part of my recent life, the beginning of the downward spiral that led to my losing everything that I owned. I say recent life because I have had lower points in my life, believe me, losing your children is much, much, worse than losing your possessions. And, I don’t even know if it’s fair to say that this was the beginning, nothing was ever ‘right’ from the minute I got here from Illinois in 1995, which is actually pretty evident if you read this entry.

Anyway, I thought this was interesting because even though I managed to sink to much, much, lower points after this – especially after returning from “The trip that shall not be named” as Diana calls it, I thought it was the end of the world as I knew it. And, to me it actually shows just how far I have come back up from what I thought at the time was a bottomless pit.

I suppose I should preface this a little bit, I was working at Macy’s at this point, so I did have some income coming in, but it wasn’t very much. I did not lose that job until October of that year, which in turn led to my being completely unemployed for 15 months, and I actually gave up trying to find a full-time job in 2009, and have been living off of my Social Security retirement and a 2 day a week job ever since. 
So, fictitious reader, here it is:

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT - Thu 8/30/07 3:35 pm

(That really is what I titled this one)

I'm not sure if this is going to be a blog or a rant, or maybe a vent.... I probably should not be writing this at all, but whenever I have something that is bothering me, I have found that it helps to write about it... I'm sure it's not appropriate for me to be sending this out into cyberspace, but nobody ever reads my blogs anyway so what the fuck!!! And, who knows, maybe God will read it...I have started to wonder if God is not punishing me for something that I did in a past life or whatever... yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that sounds ridiculous, and I know that God doesn't punish anybody & he/she only wants the best for us... but... ever since I moved to Florida my life has been one big financial cesspool... I have gone through more low paying jobs than "Carter's have little liver pills" (something my Mom used to say)... I even managed to fuck up bartending... how could I not make money as a bartender!!!? I was always in the wrong place at the right time. I am clearly an under-achiever, never actually wanted to work EVER... and quite frankly I don't know how the heck I made it this far... today's problems seemed like just another bump in the road earlier... but now they feel just monumental. I am becoming overwhelmed...

I suppose I should feel some sense of achievement really... I mean, what did I expect? It IS summer in Florida... I'm lucky I've made it this far with the pathetic paychecks I have been pulling in for the past couple of months... But, all the shit hits the fan next week & this could finally be the end of everything I have worked so hard to achieve here. Tomorrow the electric gets shut off, I don't have enough money to pay my car insurance, the rent is due on Saturday & I have ZERO set aside for it... and did I mention the telephone & cable bill??? I have been running one step ahead of the bill collector for the past couple of months & now he is beginning to catch up... and, yes, I know ~ everybody is in the same boat, this is what we all have to go through in order to live on the Gulf of Mexico, in the beautiful state of Florida... but... I am very selfish & shallow & I don't give a rat's ass about everyone else!!! I give a rat's ass about ME!!! I am the one who is about to lose it all... I mean what do I do about the car insurance??? Cancel it, sell the car on ebay & take the bus!!!? Well, I did take the bus to work for a couple of months while my car was off the road last year... but the bus doesn't run at night, so I am kinda screwed getting home considering I work until 930... my landlady waits with bated breath for me to be late or miss the rent so she has a good excuse to kick me out & rent the place to somebody else for twice what I pay... those are the biggest of the problems I guess...  so it's not really all that bad when you see it all written down... homeless with no transportation... sounds like half the population of Naples... I'll be in good company. I jokingly (sp?) said when I moved here 12 years ago that when I ended up living in a box at least I would be warm... I WAS JUST KIDDING!!!! I do not want to live in a cardboard box under a viaduct!! 

I never expected my life to turn out like this, after all, according to my Dad, I didn't need to get an education, because all I was going to do was get married & have kids... well, I have a news flash for ya Dad... marriages end... there are divorces & husbands die... and there is usually not a really great retirement & benefits package associated with divorce... I was lucky to get out with my own clothes with my first one. So, point being, I not only don't want to work, but I have no real qualifications to do anything I would actually like to do, or pays well... like be an architect, or an astronaut, or at least a designer. At this point in my life I should be getting ready to retire, not have to scratch & claw just to keep a roof over my head (barely)... I should be driving a nice little Mercedes or BMW convertible & not a 13 year old junker with no AC that not only leaks oil but burns it as well... and of course the transmission was screwed up by the last mechanic - and I use that term loosely - who installed a defective computer.

For me the saddest part of this whole situation is that I had finally started to feel as if I was coming out of that tunnel that I have been hiding out in for the last decade... I have actually started to really look forward to my upcoming birthday and all the 'first's that I want to experience after 60 like... entering a beauty contest, sailing the caribbean, participating in a civil war re-enactment... learning to play the guitar, again... race school @ Daytona, owning my own Harley, bike week in Sturgis, more tattoo’s, skydiving, scuba diving... but instead, I may have to start all over at square one again... what's the new catch phrase for that??? Re-inventing myself... sounds a lot nicer than losing your whole world in a week!!! 

But, I'm not going to worry about it, because the little voice inside my head - who I am convinced is God - keeps telling me that everything will be alright... and it always is... once again, I need to remind myself that 'this too shall pass.

Well, I guess when all is said & done, this did not end up to be either a rant or a vent, but more of a ramble... And, if you did get a chance to read this God... will you please help me out here!!! A small lottery winning would be nice... basket of money on the doorstep... anything!!!
And, on a whole new note... if you, imaginary reader, have not watched 'The Last Castle' then rent it!!! I thought it was an incredible movie.

And – as a post script – isn’t this a perfect example of “cruddy out, cruddy back”. I actually predicted my own future with my “stinkin-thinkin”. Even though I did not end up living in a cardboard box, I did end up homeless without transportation, with no income and living off $200 in food stamps a month. And thinking about it, that last place I lived, ‘scary house’, wasn’t much better than a cardboard box! Things didn’t start looking up for me until I decided to “let go and let God”, and adopted an attitude of gratitude.

Don't forget to feed the fish!!