Perception

1 August 2013

per·cep·tion  

/pərˈsepSHən/

Noun 1.      The ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses. 2.      The state of being or process of becoming aware of something in such a way.

Synonyms realization - understanding - comprehension

Well I have been an eHarmony member for a little under two months now, and to say that I was disappointed with the results thus far would be an understatement. I don't know that I ever expected to find the love of my life with this, but I did expect to at least get some kind of reaction, maybe a date or two and some interesting blog content. But no, I got nothin’ – zip – zilch – niente - nada!! I quit counting how many matches they have sent me – six a day apparently, and out of all that, I have only had three people contact me. There was the guy down in The Keys; I ended up not responding to the last three questions because I just really wasn't interested. There was the 83 year old guy from Punta Gorda that wanted to bypass the procedure and go straight to email – once again I was not interested. I had one other guy from somewhere in the state of Florida that sent me the first five questions, him I actually found interesting and moderately attractive, so I answered the questions, but haven't heard anything back from him since. I sent the first five questions out to three guys and never even got a response.

I think the problem is probably a combination of esthetics and expectations. You see, what I am looking for is this:

But what I am getting is this:

Rather disappointing really – and with all due respect to Keith, he was never really all that good looking in the first place. But he IS married to a supermodel, which disproves the Beatles’ theory that “money can't buy me love”.

I don't know what aggravates me more, the fact that I ‘busted my hump’ (strange saying) losing 31 pounds and two pant sizes before signing up for a year? That I signed up for a YEAR!! And paid for it in advance!! Or the fact that out of close to THREE HUNDRED allegedly “perfect” matches, NOBODY is even viewing my profile!?! I guess I didn't realize that I was so hideous that no one would even want to read what I had to say. I guess that's what I get for posting a recent picture!

But that just brings us back to esthetics and expectations again doesn't it? What they are expecting to find is this:

But what they are seeing is this:

Well, the truth is we all get old, if we are lucky – and even the most beautiful supermodel of her time:

Ended up doing all of this:

And even with all that, she can still manage to have days when she looks like this! And she is nine years younger than me!

I'm not actually criticizing Janice – hell, if I had the money I would get my face done, buy some boobs, hire a personal trainer, and a dietitian, and then I am going to drastically lower the age limit on my eHarmony profile!!

Don't forget to feed the fish!!

"What we've got here is (a) failure to communicate."

It has been a month now since I joined eHarmony, and so far they have sent me 219 matches, some of the latest ones being from PA, OH and Texas.  I have spent the morning eliminating anybody that hasn't been active in the last month, is too short, too old, too dumb, too unappealing, lives in a trailer or has pictures of themselves pushing dogs (poodles no less) in strollers! I think I got two Js, and three people have actually contacted me. One guy wanted to bypass the question and answer process altogether and go straight to email, which I don't want to do for many reasons, not the least of which is that he is almost 80. I have played along with the question and answer process with a guy that lives in The Florida Keys, and have gotten as far as the last three questions, which don't have multiple choice answers – almost like essay questions I guess. I really don't like these 3 questions; it is starting to sound like an interview for a job that I don't really want.  Seriously? What is the most adventurous thing I have done in the last year? What 3 traits do I bring to a relationship, and what are my general feelings about money and personal wealth? Answers would be:  1) Joined eHarmony 2) don’t know, and 3) You better have some if you want to date me. I doubt if I will be continuing with that guy, he doesn't really appeal to me, even though he seems like a fun person – he’s in a band and plays percussion on his prosthetic leg.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, what is the deal with Zoosk!? Last week, just on a whim, I decided to check them out. I haven't joined the site, haven't even posted a picture of myself, just linked it to my Facebook image which at the moment is a yin yang fish drawing, and I have had 15 guys contact me – but here’s the humorous part - only three of them are over  40, the rest range in age from 18 to 39. What kind of scam do you suppose they are trying to pull off contacting a 65 year old woman that has no picture with comments like “when I saw you I fainted and hit my head, I need your name and number for insurance purposes”, and of course the old “did it hurt when you fell from heaven”.

In retrospect I don't know if I really am ready to be in a relationship, or even want to be in one. I have always had the theory that if it was meant to be it would happen.  But then I wonder how is it supposed to happen when I am one step short of being a hermit living in a cave! I don't own a car, so I don’t go anywhere – in fact the last time I went anywhere and met a man that I was even remotely interested in was last year on my birthday, when Dana and I went to Bond (which has since closed). I met two guys that started to talk to me, and after about ten minutes Dana whipped me out of there so fast it made my head spin. I didn't say anything about it at the time, but later the subject came up and she said she needed to get me out of there because they were getting “too interested” in me. Huh?????  I still don't understand what that was supposed to mean. Although I have to respect her decision, I was getting a little ‘tipsy’ (understatement) and probably about to start making a fool of myself, she was not. And as I recall, the better looking of the two, which was the one I was interested in, was kind of shy and waited for his friend to get there before he actually spoke to me. In fact I think it was his friend that made the first move, and he bore a striking resemblance to the Buddha. Even though I greatly respect the Buddha’s teachings, I don't necessarily want to date him.  So I really don't have a lot of (if any) options for meeting a prospective date/mate.  Bars have proven unreliable in the past, that’s where I met the first husband and the long-term-ex-boyfriend, and two of the worst relationships I have ever been in were with guys I met at work! Which is why I have a strict policy against dating people I work with – not that I have a snowball’s hope in hell of meeting anybody at work anyway, I'm only there two days a week and rarely see a human being when I am.

I guess it’s all irrelevant anyway – I've paid for it, so I have to stick it out for the next 11 months. It’s just not even giving me any interesting blog content at this point, I thought I would  at least have something funny to relate by now! Maybe I am being too selective – eHarmony is saying ‘yes’ because I have specified non-smokers only, they seem to think I should loosen my restriction so they can send me more matches. But that one is a deal-breaker! I absolutely will not date smokers, and I have found that people lie about it anyway. I can't tell you how many guys I met the last time I tried this experiment that had non-smoker on their profile but in reality were “trying to quit”, unsuccessfully I might add.

This is all starting to make me feel a little shallow and self-centered, but I don't intend to settle for anything  less than a perfect match, and why should I feel guilty when these guys aren't exactly beating down my door either. 

I guess I am just going to have to look for other subjects to blog about – like whether or not I am going to have to get the sandbags out of the shed! This year’s rainy season is making up for last year’s dry summer.

~Peace out and don't forget to feed the fish~

Keeping up appearances

So far eHarmony has sent me 126 matches – they are slowly branching out across the US now, last week they added Texas, Virginia and Arkansas to the list, and so far this week they have sent me Missouri, Delaware, DC and Ohio. I had to chuckle when I saw the match from St. Louis – that’s getting awfully close to my hometown of Rockford, Illinois! I wonder how long before they start sending me matches from Canada.

I think I mentioned in an earlier blog that I had downloaded my favorite book, EXCUSE ME, YOUR LIFE IS WAITING by Lynn Grabhorn to my kindle, and have started to re-read it. Don’t you love it when people say “this book/movie/song changed my life?”  Well THIS   BOOK   CHANGED   MY   LIFE! I first read it in 2009 after having returned here from the failed attempt to “go home again”, and had just lost the job that I had started only nine days before, after a year and a half of unemployment . I had used up all the money that I had renting the guest house, that was a block and a half from the beach by the way (insert smug face here), and was pretty close to being at the lowest point of my life. In a nutshell, the book explained the Law of Attraction to me – as if I were a three year old. I really liked the way she put it, “cruddy out, cruddy back”, and for the first time in my life I understood that my own stinking thought process was attracting all the things I did not want into my life; like unemployment, cars breaking down, bad relationships, and the way I looked. For instance, I remember when I was a  kid seeing a woman whose neck had something that resembled a football tucked under her chin. It actually frightened me, and I overheard my Aunts saying that she had a goiter. I didn't really know what that was, could have been an alien waiting to break loose for all I knew, but I was terrified of goiters, and swore I would do anything possible to avoid getting one. Not to the point of being obsessed with it or worrying about it constantly, like I would eventually do about my car breaking down, but I did send that “I don't want” thought out into the Universe, and sure enough in 2001 I found out that I had an undiagnosed hyperthyroid condition, and I had . . . . you guessed it. . . . .   a GOITER!!! Okay, it was tiny, I couldn't even see it, but it was there just the same.  

So as I look in the mirror, and see the inevitable changing landscape that used to be MY face morphing into my mother, I realize that all the things I don't like about my changing body are the same things I swore would NEVER happen to me! I have always had body issues, my step-father has the distinction of being the most critical person on earth, and I was teased and generally made fun of right up until I married my first husband, and then he and his sister took over the challenge of completely destroying my self-esteem. I was bow legged, flat chested, wore glasses, had ugly feet, etc., etc. and that was just my physical attributes. Honestly, I could never understand why the man wanted to marry me so badly in the first place, until about ten years into the marriage when I realized that he just wanted something different (I was an American living in Britain), and a green card! With all the negative comments about my looks, I was pretty convinced that I was average at best; years later I would look back at pictures of myself and realize that I was actually pretty.

When I was younger I swore that I didn't mind getting older, but I did not intend to look older. And that still holds true to some extent – the wisdom I have gained, and the experiences I have had over the years has only made me stronger. One of my favorite saying is “youth is wasted on the young”, and that is so true, if I knew then – when I was strong and pretty – what I know now, I could have ruled the world!! Or at least made better choices.  But that’s not the way it works is it? As we get older, our body stops producing collagen and everything starts sliding south. I don't know if it was the five plus years of stress, and the inevitable depression that came with it causing me to neglect my normally stringent skin care regimen or what, but over the course of the last year I have seen some not-so-subtle things happening to my face.  My eyelids are getting droopy, those awful dimples that I hated so much since childhood have now become massive craters and worst of all, I am starting to develop the dreaded TURKEY NECK/waddle. My friends will tell you, getting a waddle has probably been my biggest fear (more than being abducted by aliens) – which just goes to show – what you think about you bring about. I have obviously obsessed about it enough to make it materialize – a definite “don't want”.

So what, if anything does this have to do with eHarmony? Well first of all I need to point out that eHarmony was probably my least favorite dating site (next to POF) when, ten years or so ago I decided that I might shrivel up and die if I was not in a relationship. At that point I didn't think I could possibly survive on my own, and I didn't really like myself very much at the time, so the last person I wanted to spend quality time with was ME.  eHarmony kept trying to hook me up with a lot of really not-so-attractive guys, and even though I went on a couple of really awkward dates nothing ever materialized. Of course now I realize that I was the one making the dates awkward. I was so desperate to make them like me that I was afraid to do or say much of anything.  It’s been close to ten years now since I did the whole online dating thing, and my attitude towards it has completely changed. I think it could be summed up in one word – meh.  Don’t care if I do, don’t care if I don't, totally ambivalent.

The biggest obstacle to this process is the fact that I DON'T LIKE OLDER MEN – which is especially strange considering I am an older woman. I recently saw something that said that the ‘accepted’ age difference is half your age plus 8, in my case that gives me an age range starting at 40.5 – okay, I'm cool with that. Apart from that hit and miss online dating adventure ten years ago, I have only dated three guys that were my age since I got out of college. My first husband was six months older than me, second husband was eleven years younger than me, and the last long term relationship, and very possibly the love of my life, was thirteen years younger than me. I still remember the first younger man I dated, I was 21 and he was 19, not a big deal – or so you would think. My mother called me a ‘cradle robber’ – this is the same woman who years later saw absolutely nothing wrong with my marrying somebody 11 years younger – go figure. 

I chose eharmony out of the plethora of online dating sites because they supposedly match you up based on compatibility. This does not stop my first priority from being do I want to see that face when I wake up in the morning.  It sounds really shallow, but physical attraction is extremely important to me. At this stage in the game of life I am expecting this to be a forever proposition, I ‘settled’ with both of my marriages, and I am no longer willing to do that. Sure I have had some very rough times being on my own in the past, but I have managed to make it out of the tunnel not only unscathed, but very much wiser. But a relatively good looking and healthy older man that does not have twenty-year-old arm candy is really hard to find these days.  Unfortunately age has the same ravaging effect on men as it does on women, which would probably explain why so many older men are now sporting goatees – it hides the waddle!

Case in point, Tom Berenger, here is a guy that back in the day was an absolute drop-dead-gorgeous hunk – well, at least I thought so. I just saw him on Major Crimes this week and didn't even know who he was he had changed so much.  Now, seriously, Tom just needs to lose weight and he would look pretty damned good.

Does anybody know if Tom is single?

~Namaste~

Diving into the Dating Pool

I joined eHarmony two weeks ago, and I am already regretting it. Actually I think I was regretting it the minute I clicked the payment button. It would seem that they have exhausted the eligible bachelors here in Naples -both of them- within the first week; they then started sending me matches from the surrounding area for a couple of days, and the next thing I know I’m getting matches from the Keys and the east coast, which is not good since I don't have a car and therefore can't even meet anybody halfway! So I tightened up my distance preferences to 30 miles and did not receive any matches for two days. This morning I went into the settings and changed the distance from very important to somewhat important, and instantly got seven new matches, from Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina and Tennessee!!  How can you start a relationship with someone that is three states away?? Perhaps eHarmony is sensing my ambivalence.

I don't know why I felt I needed to be in a relationship at this stage of my life anyway, I am notoriously bad at relationships – two ex-husbands and a long-term-live-in boyfriend kind of prove that. But, after all I have gone through in the past six years; the rebuilding process is pretty much complete now – I have a nice home, not well-off but comfortable, have an okay part-time job that doesn't drive me nuts too often, have lost 31 pounds and am almost to my goal weight, I have a whole new wardrobe, I look good and feel great. For once in my life I can honestly say that I have no complaints – so why do I want to screw everything up by admitting someone else into my perfect-for-me life?  Well, I guess that maybe I am just bored?

I have been pretty ambivalent over whether or not I should be in a relationship for a very long time now. On the one hand I prefer to live alone, I actually enjoy silence and my own company, and if I need somebody to talk to – well, here I am!! But sometimes I think that it would be really nice to have somebody to do things with. I have found that whenever I am indecisive on an issue, if I back away from the problem God or the Universe will make the decision for me. In this case one minute I'm thinking maybe it’s time for me to get back out there, and the next thing I know I'm updating my eHarmony profile. I don't even know why I chose eHarmony considering I didn't like it the last time I tried to “get back out there”! I had a couple of dates, most of which were pretty forgettable; one guy was a whole blog topic by itself, one was incredibly clingy, overbearing and difficult to get rid of. But I did meet one guy that I liked very much. Unfortunately the feeling was not mutual although we have remained friends ever since. It might have worked out if we were closer, he lives in Clearwater, and I would have gladly moved, especially since at that time I had absolutely no reason to stay here.  Still don’t really, I only have two friends left here in Naples, and one of them might be moving soon. So maybe that is why God, the Universe and eHarmony are sending me matches from all those other places – I honestly have thought for some time now that I probably won't stay in Naples, that I might want to move to one of the aforementioned states, especially South Carolina. Maybe that’s what’s happening here, perhaps I should try to keep an open mind.

I'm not really excited about diving into the dating pool – it gets a lot harder when you get older, especially if you have been out of it for a long time.  And if my track record is anything to go by, I'm not very good at it anyway.  Dating for me has always been awkward and uncomfortable. For some reason, I never feel as if I can be myself. I guess I am afraid that they won't like me; apparently I have rejection and abandonment issues.

Thinking about it, the last time I did eHarmony, Match.com, yahoo Personals, and POF, I was only interested in the guys who were waaaaay faraway – the guys that I had a snowball’s hope in hell of ever meeting - maybe I'm better at long distance relationships after all.

I will give eHarmony the full year, even though I usually bail after the first three months of rejection – if nothing else, it might give me some more good content for the book I have been writing about my adventures in online dating titled Please Remove Me from Your Mailing List.

Dirty Laundry - part one

Yesterday, for some inexplicable reason, I decided to clean out my documents file. This is only strange because I have so many other, much more important things I should have been doing. While deleting and moving documents, I found a whole bunch of unfinished blogs, or blog ideas, going back to 2010, some of them, the older ones were really awful. I was so full of anger and negativity, even though I had read Lynn Grabhorn’s book Excuse me, your Life is waiting the year before, I was still operating with some seriously  closed valves. Okay, granted my life had gotten a little better by 2010, but I was still harboring a lot of animosity towards everyone involved in  the now infamous ‘Trip that shall not be named’ – maybe we should just call that whole adventure Voldemort and get it over with.  Anyway – by this point in my life I had been evicted from the guesthouse because I couldn't pay the rent (a blessing in disguise), gone through the hell of total unemployment for two full years, had been technically homeless for a month, and was living in the converted carport of the place I nicknamed ‘scary house’. I lived in that one room from August 2009 until June of 2011 when I moved into my current home. I am not going to post those really hateful blogs, although I am not going to delete them either, because they serve as a reminder to me of how far I have come in improving my attitude and my life. The offending parties can read them after I’m dead. I am however, going to post some of the stuff from 2011 onward, because – well, just because I want to and I can. I’m pretty well aware that nobody reads these blogs anyway so what difference does it make.

I am going to start this nostalgic adventure with a blog from my birthday in 2010, by this point I was not quite as bitter as earlier points, just a little bit sour. I am not editing anything, and will try to post one (or more if they are short) of these old blogs every day until they run out.

14 November 2010 – Happy Birthday to me

And in the end it turns out to be just another day - with cake.

Once again, I had a very disappointing birthday. Oh, it wasn't a total washout like years past; a couple of my friends here in Naples jumped on the bandwagon.  Dana planned a little party for Friday night that would have been nice if anyone had shown up. But, at the last minute everyone had good excuses why not to, and it ended up being just me and Dana. But we had fun, she brought the cake complete with “happy, happy, joy, joy” paper plates and happy birthday candles. The cake had my name on it - I have never had a cake with MY name on it that someone put there especially for me - I still haven't cut it.

Saturday I was recuperating from Friday night - Dana, being the angel that she is, brought me an emergency hangover recovery kit with chicken noodle soup, saltines, Gatorade and animal crackers.  I spent the day having my own vampire movie marathon with ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula‘, ’Interview with the Vampire’, and ’Queen of the Damned’. They are way better than any ’Twilight’ movie I have seen so far.

And then there was yesterday - where I awoke with the anticipation of hearing from my loved ones - as usual I was delusional.  Julie came over after work and we went shopping where I bought my own birthday presents - and a xmas tree, but that will be another story.

But that was it! When I got home from shopping I walked up to Starbucks to use the wifi and I had a bunch of greetings from my facebook friends, which I thought was awesome, but not a damned thing from ANY member of my immediate family.  Nobody called.  Apart from Dana, who sang happy birthday to me on my voicemail.

I don't know why I get so upset about this.  I don't know why I even anticipate anything from them.  And God knows I am not asking for much - just a phone call once a year to say “Hi, nice that you were born, glad you're still alive”. But no, I don't even get that.

And seriously, why would I even expect such a thing? I don't remember one single birthday party being thrown in my honor as a child - I remember several celebrations for my brother though.  My first ex-husband thought his birthday was the be all and end all of everyone else’s lives, but he would never stoop so low as to remember that I even had one.  In fact, in reality I don't think he ever even knew when it was.  I remember on my 40^th birthday that my second ex-husband didn't even acknowledge it all day long, but when I went to bed there was a sappy card on my pillow - when asked why he waited all day long to give it to me he said “I didn't think you would want to be reminded that you are getting old”.  My Mother sent me a dozen red roses though, which touched me to the point of tears, because my Mother could not afford to buy a dozen roses.  And I'm sure if she were still alive she would have at least called me.

I will admit that I am remiss at sending cards, I have never forgotten anybody’s birthday, but I very often don’t know what day it is.  And in recent years money has been so tight that there have been times when I couldn't afford to eat let alone send a birthday present, but I have never not called my siblings or my children on the day of their birth to wish them a happy birthday.

So, once again, a day that should have been fun turns out to be a total downer - every time I have ever tried to get excited about it or plan anything it ends up blowing up in my face. Perfect example - my 60^th birthday. I was so excited about that B-I-G birthday that I planned to go on a cruise to celebrate.  But that was the year that I lost my job a month before my birthday and ended up having to cancel my LIFE! And people wonder why I hate my birthday so much! Why get excited? I know how it’s going to turn out, with me being disillusioned, disappointed and upset.  In fact, one of my first picture blogs was about this very same subject. It was pretty good - most of the pictures have disappeared now, that was before I discovered how to save them to my photobucket account.

All this brings me to the age old question - the meaning of life.  Obviously MY life has no meaning for anyone other than me. And quite frankly, at this stage in the game, I don't give a crap either.  Aren't we all supposed to have a purpose? A gift? I can't seem to find mine.  Everything I have ever wanted to do, everything I have tried to achieve, has failed.  At this point, I am too shell shocked to even attempt to do ANYTHING! People - other than my family that is - seem to like me.  I don't understand why, I find myself gratingly annoying personally. But I have a handful of really good friends that I have had for decades and that are really special to me. After all, what is that old saying? “You can't pick your family but you can pick your friends.” And there was something about not being able to pick your friend’s nose too, but I think that line was added by a 15 year old boy somewhere.

I suppose this is how it is going to be then - I will end up old and alone and die in my bed with nobody knowing about it and my cat will eat off my face. 

Remind me not to get a cat!

Decisions.... decisions...

I used to blog all the time when I was on myspace – and, oh, for the record – I think myspace’s profile pages were much, much nicer than facebook and you could get really great templates and customize them with all sorts of cool stuff. Mine was the best!! I had my own little alter ego and avatar, did really cool picture blogs – and then everybody bailed and that’s why I’m on facebook. I don’t prefer it but it’s where all my friends are.  

But, I digress - I haven’t blogged in a very long time because I really didn’t think that anybody would be interested in reading my half-crazy rants. Then again, I don’t really care – for some reason I really like to air my dirty laundry on the world-wide web. To me it’s literally throwing my thoughts out to the Universe/God and hoping that it/he will hear them – and they always do. It takes a long time to get a reaction sometimes , but sooner or later it will come. Lately I’ve been having some really interesting thought processes going on and I have been writing about them, and I started to think that maybe there actually is someone out there who would be interested in hearing what it’s like to be an online student after 46 years or why the hell do they keep reducing my Social Security benefits? Or they might like to know what it feels like to be starting from scratch at 65 years old because you lost everything you owned due to unemployment. And there are other subjects too, like a whole plethora of ‘what if’s’. What if I didn’t move to Florida, what if I didn’t have to move to Germany? That one on its own is HUGE!!! Every single thing that is my life is a direct result of that one event. A defining moment – we all have one. Sometimes it’s our choice, and sometimes we have no choice. You turned right when you could have turned left. And from that one pivotal moment on there are thousands of choices that subtly alter your future.  What would have happened if I had not moved to Germany? I don’t know. But that’s all for now – I am definitely going to be exploring that last subject in greater depth sometime soon, but not now…. Gwyneth Paltrow was in a really good movie titled Sliding Doors which is about this very subject, I suggest you watch it.

What about you fictitious reader? What was your defining moment? Was it your decision, or someone elses? Did you regret it? I can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt, that I have regretted pretty much every decision that I have made since my Dad made the decision to take a job in Germany.  This, of course opens up a whole new can of worms on the subject of when your decisions affect other people – or makes other people.

Great advice Tupac - I will try to take myself less seriously.

And, as I go to post this, I think it is almost uncanny that I said some of the exact same things in one of the previous blog that I had posted – I forgot about that blog!! Anyway, I’m not changing it; let’s just call it reinforcing the principle. (wtf?) If you are a new fictitious reader of my blog I advise you scroll down to the first one & read your way up, really informative. And don't worry, I don't usually delve into really serious subjects.  

DON'T FORGET TO FEED THE FISH!!

Crime and Punishment

I used to blog all the time when I was on myspace. They were mostly picture blogs, but there are times when I am journaling, and for some reason I want to share my thoughts. I don’t know why I feel like doing this, your private thoughts should be just that, private. But for some reason sending my private thoughts out into cyberspace has an almost cleansing quality to it, especially when I am feeling overwhelmed. I don’t expect anybody to actually read it, I only have one follower to this blog anyway (hi Di!); I guess I am hoping that my thoughts will make their way up to God.

I found this entry when I was cleaning out some old emails – I don’t know why I was saving blogs as drafts in my email account, but I suppose it was a good thing, because when all my stuff was auctioned off I lost my computer and everything that was in it. This was a draft written in August of 2007, which was the beginning of the lowest part of my recent life, the beginning of the downward spiral that led to my losing everything that I owned. I say recent life because I have had lower points in my life, believe me, losing your children is much, much, worse than losing your possessions. And, I don’t even know if it’s fair to say that this was the beginning, nothing was ever ‘right’ from the minute I got here from Illinois in 1995, which is actually pretty evident if you read this entry.

Anyway, I thought this was interesting because even though I managed to sink to much, much, lower points after this – especially after returning from “The trip that shall not be named” as Diana calls it, I thought it was the end of the world as I knew it. And, to me it actually shows just how far I have come back up from what I thought at the time was a bottomless pit.

I suppose I should preface this a little bit, I was working at Macy’s at this point, so I did have some income coming in, but it wasn’t very much. I did not lose that job until October of that year, which in turn led to my being completely unemployed for 15 months, and I actually gave up trying to find a full-time job in 2009, and have been living off of my Social Security retirement and a 2 day a week job ever since. 
So, fictitious reader, here it is:

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT - Thu 8/30/07 3:35 pm

(That really is what I titled this one)

I'm not sure if this is going to be a blog or a rant, or maybe a vent.... I probably should not be writing this at all, but whenever I have something that is bothering me, I have found that it helps to write about it... I'm sure it's not appropriate for me to be sending this out into cyberspace, but nobody ever reads my blogs anyway so what the fuck!!! And, who knows, maybe God will read it...I have started to wonder if God is not punishing me for something that I did in a past life or whatever... yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that sounds ridiculous, and I know that God doesn't punish anybody & he/she only wants the best for us... but... ever since I moved to Florida my life has been one big financial cesspool... I have gone through more low paying jobs than "Carter's have little liver pills" (something my Mom used to say)... I even managed to fuck up bartending... how could I not make money as a bartender!!!? I was always in the wrong place at the right time. I am clearly an under-achiever, never actually wanted to work EVER... and quite frankly I don't know how the heck I made it this far... today's problems seemed like just another bump in the road earlier... but now they feel just monumental. I am becoming overwhelmed...

I suppose I should feel some sense of achievement really... I mean, what did I expect? It IS summer in Florida... I'm lucky I've made it this far with the pathetic paychecks I have been pulling in for the past couple of months... But, all the shit hits the fan next week & this could finally be the end of everything I have worked so hard to achieve here. Tomorrow the electric gets shut off, I don't have enough money to pay my car insurance, the rent is due on Saturday & I have ZERO set aside for it... and did I mention the telephone & cable bill??? I have been running one step ahead of the bill collector for the past couple of months & now he is beginning to catch up... and, yes, I know ~ everybody is in the same boat, this is what we all have to go through in order to live on the Gulf of Mexico, in the beautiful state of Florida... but... I am very selfish & shallow & I don't give a rat's ass about everyone else!!! I give a rat's ass about ME!!! I am the one who is about to lose it all... I mean what do I do about the car insurance??? Cancel it, sell the car on ebay & take the bus!!!? Well, I did take the bus to work for a couple of months while my car was off the road last year... but the bus doesn't run at night, so I am kinda screwed getting home considering I work until 930... my landlady waits with bated breath for me to be late or miss the rent so she has a good excuse to kick me out & rent the place to somebody else for twice what I pay... those are the biggest of the problems I guess...  so it's not really all that bad when you see it all written down... homeless with no transportation... sounds like half the population of Naples... I'll be in good company. I jokingly (sp?) said when I moved here 12 years ago that when I ended up living in a box at least I would be warm... I WAS JUST KIDDING!!!! I do not want to live in a cardboard box under a viaduct!! 

I never expected my life to turn out like this, after all, according to my Dad, I didn't need to get an education, because all I was going to do was get married & have kids... well, I have a news flash for ya Dad... marriages end... there are divorces & husbands die... and there is usually not a really great retirement & benefits package associated with divorce... I was lucky to get out with my own clothes with my first one. So, point being, I not only don't want to work, but I have no real qualifications to do anything I would actually like to do, or pays well... like be an architect, or an astronaut, or at least a designer. At this point in my life I should be getting ready to retire, not have to scratch & claw just to keep a roof over my head (barely)... I should be driving a nice little Mercedes or BMW convertible & not a 13 year old junker with no AC that not only leaks oil but burns it as well... and of course the transmission was screwed up by the last mechanic - and I use that term loosely - who installed a defective computer.

For me the saddest part of this whole situation is that I had finally started to feel as if I was coming out of that tunnel that I have been hiding out in for the last decade... I have actually started to really look forward to my upcoming birthday and all the 'first's that I want to experience after 60 like... entering a beauty contest, sailing the caribbean, participating in a civil war re-enactment... learning to play the guitar, again... race school @ Daytona, owning my own Harley, bike week in Sturgis, more tattoo’s, skydiving, scuba diving... but instead, I may have to start all over at square one again... what's the new catch phrase for that??? Re-inventing myself... sounds a lot nicer than losing your whole world in a week!!! 

But, I'm not going to worry about it, because the little voice inside my head - who I am convinced is God - keeps telling me that everything will be alright... and it always is... once again, I need to remind myself that 'this too shall pass.

Well, I guess when all is said & done, this did not end up to be either a rant or a vent, but more of a ramble... And, if you did get a chance to read this God... will you please help me out here!!! A small lottery winning would be nice... basket of money on the doorstep... anything!!!
And, on a whole new note... if you, imaginary reader, have not watched 'The Last Castle' then rent it!!! I thought it was an incredible movie.

And – as a post script – isn’t this a perfect example of “cruddy out, cruddy back”. I actually predicted my own future with my “stinkin-thinkin”. Even though I did not end up living in a cardboard box, I did end up homeless without transportation, with no income and living off $200 in food stamps a month. And thinking about it, that last place I lived, ‘scary house’, wasn’t much better than a cardboard box! Things didn’t start looking up for me until I decided to “let go and let God”, and adopted an attitude of gratitude.

Don't forget to feed the fish!!