I’ll take what’s behind door number two Monty

Monday 5.5.2013 (A journal entry)

Lately I have really been beating myself up over my decision to quit school, and basically it all boiled down to just two things; the fact that it will take 12 years for me to finish the degree, and the mounting student loan debt. As somebody said to me at work yesterday (I think it was Mary), “you have to do what’s best for you”, and I know that quitting is what’s best for me at this point.

But quitting is not the end by any means; it is really the beginning because I realized today that I learned so much more than I had bargained for over the last three years. I learned how to organize my self, my home, and my time in order to be able to run a business from home. Everything is already set up; in fact I already have a brand new laptop that can be used specifically for my design business. I can focus on the jewelry to start with, first I will finish off all the half completed projects, and then I think I should begin by concentrating on making earrings because that will help me learn more techniques. Meanwhile, I can work on promoting my Etsy shop and my facebook page, try to figure out how to just have one LinkedIn account instead of three, and hopefully build an inventory.

If money were no object – I would flip houses!

I see that as the perfect career for me – but how do I get to that point? I realized today that I already have all the knowledge required to do Home Staging, and strangely enough when I finally found my old business card (which was right in front of my face btw), it actually already said Home Staging on my list of services, so I just need to make a couple of changes to the card and reorder.

Because I don’t NEED the additional money in order to keep a roof over my head, I don’t need to push it, but think of how nice it would be to have more – what could I do with more? Buy better food – get out more - take yoga classes. Once upon a time I wanted to be a yoga instructor – I also wanted to be a private chef, a caterer of cocktail parties, a wedding planner, and a garden designer. There are more, but I should probably quit while I am ahead.

So how do I get more money without getting a second job, or a different job? Actually promote the jewelry – make a brochure and hand out cards at work for home staging – and start making some YouTube videos.

In other words – do what makes ME happy!! Do what’s best for me, maybe I will make money, and maybe I won’t, but either way I will have fun!! I can use my new time management skills to schedule in time to work on stuff and time to study Italian and time to draw and time to play with my guitar. If I am lucky I will make enough money to quit my day job and have weekends to do whatever I want. Maybe home staging will lead me to meeting an investor/partner in house flipping. 

It's just a thought.

Be careful what you wish for = second thoughts

“Now is the winter of our discontent” - William Shakespeare

William III, Act 1 Scene 1

My ex-boyfriend used to say that to me all the time, “be careful what you wish for, it just might come true.” I think he was probably referring to himself, because for all his good points, he could be a real nightmare sometimes.

Lately I have been so terribly discontent that I don’t even want to get out of bed in the mornings. I’m not sure exactly what is causing it, but this seems to just be the tip of the iceberg for me – I am very displeased with life in general, and school in particular. I am seriously questioning my motives for starting this crap in the first place. Was it just because I was denied the opportunity to get a degree when I was younger? Do I really want to be an Interior Architect? Do I actually want a career – job – whatever – at all? At the moment I can’t see past the fact that I am racking up thousands and thousands of dollars of debt in student loans with absolutely no guarantee that I will even be able to get a job once I’m done. I am honestly wondering if I should just be trying to figure out how to start paying the loans off, finish this semester and then just pack it in.

Next month marks the three year anniversary of two major milestones in my recent life – moving into my current home, and starting this journey towards higher education - the first year and a half of that was wasted working on an associate’s degree that I am no longer pursuing, most of the classes I took didn't even transfer over to my new degree program. My projected graduation date when I switched schools was 2016, and yet in the last year and a half I have only completed the classes necessary for the first semester of a four year degree. And worst of all – I am feeling the same way about this program now that I was feeling about the Kitchen and Bath design program towards the end – pissed off, fed up, worn out and disillusioned.

Here are some random thoughts I have had regarding school recently:

• My dad was right – I am not cut out for college. But he was wrong when he said that all I was good for was getting married and having kids, because I wasn’t any good at that either.
• This wasn't even my idea – it was Doris’, and she thought I was 20 years younger than I am for some weird reason. I don’t know why anyone would think that I look like a 40 year old – it is an insult to 40 year olds everywhere!! I may look young for my age, but I still look like I’m in my 60’s.
• I have no life now which is compounded by the fact that I have no car. I haven’t been to the grocery store in two years because the closest market is too expensive and doesn’t sell ‘regular’ food, and it’s a day trip when I have to take the bus somewhere and I can’t afford to take a day off from studying.
• I was actually enjoying my retirement before I started this, I was doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to, I didn’t have assignments, deadlines, tests or anything else to stress me out. I could go wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted to – not have to wait for semester break to plan a trip or end up so seriously behind in assignments that I can’t possibly dig myself out.
• At the rate I am going it will take me 12 years to complete a four year degree, and at that point I will be 78 years old, competing with fresh-faced little 20 year olds for what few design jobs that are going to be out there – seriously, who knows what the job market will be like in 12 years’ time. Hell – I could be dead in 12 years’ time, and I don’t want to spend my last days on earth being stressed out and pissed off all the time.

 So this is all ‘food for thought’ as the old saying goes. I have 3 weeks left until the end of this semester, and then I have the summer off to make up my mind.

I would just like to be able to:

·         Read a book for the sheer enjoyment of it.

·         Not feel guilty for reading a magazine.

·         Clean my house!!

·         Go grocery shopping.

·         Cook for myself again.

·         Finish all the half completed jewelry projects.

·         Do yoga (after I vacuum my rug)

·         Take classes at the local art center (I paid $200 for a sketching class that I attended twice because I was behind on assignments and couldn't take an afternoon off once a week.)

·         Go to the beach.

·         Work in my yard – plant a vegetable garden – without the guilt!

·         Start playing my guitar.

·         Sketch because I WANT to and not because I have to.

·         Go on a cruise or vacation whenever I want to and not have to worry about how I am going to catch up on assignments.

·         Go window shopping on 5^th Avenue.

·         Check out galleries on 3^rd Street.

·         Attend a ‘Meet-ups’ group.

·         Work on my Italian language class.

·         Blog more often – once again, without the guilt.

          

I really just want my life back now – I feel as if I have lost control, and that is a feeling that I just do not enjoy. So, I have to try and make it through the next three weeks without some kind of meltdown, and then I have the summer to make my decision. And I have to start with analyzing my motivation to start this in the first place.

Happy Earth Day!!

"Youth is wasted on the young" - anon

A guy I work with suggested I join Senior People Meet - he says he has had a lot of success in meeting women, so I thought I would give it a shot, and....  guess who the first match was??? It was him - and I had to laugh because his profile name is VikingMan! I told him it was no wonder he had so many women contacting him since it is every woman’s fantasy to be ravaged by a Viking. I’m not sure he saw the humor in it. Although my idea of being ravaged by a Viking runs more along the lines of Chris Helmsworth or Alexander Skarsgard – but hey, that’s just me. I thought I would share my Senior People Meet profile with y’all – it's a little more 'casual' than the eHarmony profile, and I have gotten quite a few replies on it actually. 

A little about me…

In the condensed version of the Chinese fable, the grasshopper played all day, while the ant worked diligently to provide for the future, I am the grasshopper, looking for my ant!! I feel that life is too short to beat around the bush; I am looking for a serious, committed, monogamous, rest-of-my-life relationship, with somebody who doesn't want to sit around watching tv all day, and can afford to play. But let me clarify, I'm not looking for somebody to support me, I have that covered. I lead a simple and pared down lifestyle, mainly because being a trophy wife doesn't always have the best retirement benefits. I may not have all that I want, but I have all that I NEED. I believe that honesty is the best policy; if this offends you then you are obviously not the guy for me. But – I am a really interesting person; I have a great sense of humor (take this profile for example) intelligent, worldly, well-traveled, well educated, know which fork to use at the right time, and the difference between a white and red wine glass, I’m a gourmet cook, love to entertain, not bad looking for an old broad, and I know how to behave myself in public.

About the one I am looking for…

To quote Cheryl Crow, "all I want to do is have a little fun before I die", and I believe that beggars CAN be choosers! At this stage of the game, age is irrelevant, but chemistry and compatibility are a must, after all, the object of this exercise is falling in love, and I have no intention of ‘settling’ for someone that doesn’t fit the bill. I really only have two criteria, the first is do I want to see your face when I wake up in the morning, and the second is, can I maintain a conversation with this person. No picture – No deal!! It’s not fair if you can see me but I can’t see you. You must have a picture available somewhere; I understand that some people may not be in a position to post a picture on a dating site, and that’s okay as long as it’s not because you don’t want your wife/fiancé/girlfriend to find out that you are trolling for chicks on the internet - or you are in prison.  NO TOBACCO SMOKERS PLEASE – that is the deal breaker.

I’d just like to add…

Please don’t waste your time responding unless you are ready, willing and able to accept the challenge. And, I really don’t care if you think I am being callous, shallow, or self-centered. I’m not a gold digger, I’m a realist – I can do poor just fine on my own, I don’t need any help with that thanks!!

As far as eHarmony goes,  still nothing… more or less. I did get a request to go straight to email from a not bad looking guy who actually seems legit. He has a nice website, is apparently quite intelligent, and has actually read my profile and quoted some things I said in it. So I am planning on replying to his email, and we will see how that progresses. It would probably help if I was a little more interested, but I really don’t know what I want out of life right now.  In fact the thought of being in a relationship is really quite terrifying!

Other things going on right now – school sucks! I am definitely appreciating the irony in my favorite saying “youth is wasted on the young”. I wish I had been able to do this years ago when I had more energy, but either one of my two classes would consume all of my time in order to do all the work involved, and on top of that I foolishly signed up for a sketching class at the local Art Center thinking that it would help me with my Perspective class when all it has done so far is cause me to lose more time that I don’t have to waste. First of all I wanted to take the Sketching Basics class which was cancelled at the last minute, and they told me that this Nature Drawing class was basically the same, but it is not – and even though I rather enjoy it, I don’t have the time to sit around and draw trees right now. So I am debating whether I should just stop going and throw away another $200. I guess I didn't expect that this quest for higher education would end up totally consuming my life. I had one week where I had to work an extra day, had a flood, had the first sketching class, and boom next thing I know I am 3 or 4 weeks behind on my assignments, depending on what class it is. My house is torn up, my ADHD is off the charts, and all I seem to be doing is standing in front of my drawing board saying “I don’t know what to do – I don’t understand this – I’m confused” over, and over again – like a mantra. Maybe it would help if I had a clue what I will be doing with this degree if I ever finish it. Right now I’m thinking if I have to do the Plan Projection Perspective Method for ANYTHING I need to start researching other careers – because I seriously don’t get it. It reminds me of math and that just causes my brain to seize up and I cease functioning.

So consequently I now have a sink full of dishes, a laundry basket of clean clothes to put away and a full hamper of laundry that needs to be washed. I can’t remember the last time I dusted or vacuumed. I would love to have just one day a week when I didn't feel as if my life was nothing more than school and work, school and work – a vicious cycle that does not include any FUN! To be honest I wish I had a LIFE!! At this point I doubt that there is anything I can do to catch up on the late assignments - and this blog is just wasting time that I don’t really have – back to the drawing board. 

Analyse this!!

I have been having the weirdest dreams lately – I keep dreaming about my ex-boyfriend of 12 years (Michael), and my second ex-husband (who shall remain nameless). I suppose dreaming about Michael is not all that unusual, I have dreamt about him in the past, but it has been more and more frequent lately, and in every one of the recent dreams Michael is so tender and loving, which is not exactly the way I remember the relationship at all!! He was not much of a kisser, and he really wasn't into cuddling either, so I really don’t understand why all of a sudden the dreams including him are all so sweet and soppy – sort of like a Hallmark Movie Channel production where the biggest event is the first kiss. He even told me he loved me in one last week – what’s up with that!

On the other hand, dreaming about nameless is very unusual – I absolutely loathe and detest that man, I swear I would run him over if I saw him crossing the street. He is the person who ruined Xmas for me forever. In the 10 years that we were married I don’t recall him ever being happy or not obsessing over something. He was the poster boy for depression, and he wore it proudly, like a badge - the classic cartoon character with the rain cloud over his head all the time. 

 His ‘issues’ were his hobby. I’m not sure what it was about him that I hated the most – his passive aggressive nature? If you have something to say, just come out and say it, don’t dick around!! If I left a laundry basket of unfolded clothes in the bedroom, he would be ‘helpful’ and fold them all – but then he would lay them all out very neatly, ON MY SIDE OF THE BED – so that I would have to move them in order to go to sleep. That happened twice, the first time I put them neatly back into the basket and put them away the next morning, the second time I had a hissy fit & threw them all over the room. Which was exactly what he wanted me to do – if you know anything about me at all, you would know that I am at my worst when I am tired or hungry. He took extreme and perverse pleasure in pissing me off – he knew all of my buttons, and didn't hesitate to push them. He really was a pretty evil person – constantly telling me that he loved me, which was the only reason I married him, it didn't matter that I wasn't in love with him, only that he loved me.  Looking back, I’m not sure I ever even LIKED him, he was so NOT my type – not in the least bit attractive, mind numbingly boring with unbelievable halitosis to boot!  And I found out later that he had researched me before he asked me out – I believe the term for that now is stalking. I guess I had overlooked the fact that people will lie and say whatever they think you want to hear in order to get what they want. He would shower me with flowers and cards and gifts, when he was cheating on me from the minute we got married, if not before – I find it amusing now how he criticized the German engineers that he used to travel with because they had a girlfriend in every port so to speak, when he was doing the exact same thing. I think he thought the farther away they were I wouldn't find out, and yet he liked to leave his phone bill with all the long distance calls highlighted, out where I was sure to see it. My sister told me that when she was going through a bad patch and living with us, that he was hitting on her, and he was overly friendly with the 15 year old little German harlot exchange student from hell that was living with us when my daughter was in high school.  That was a major part of the reason why she got sent to live out the rest of her US visit with the German teacher who set up the exchange.  Up until a few weeks ago when I had my most recent dream – more like nightmare – the only time I ever dreamt about him was decades ago, when I had this dream that he was skipping naked through a field of poppies wearing my favorite pair of red stilettos – huh??? 

And my main concern was not the fact that he was naked, which believe me, is something NO ONE would ever want to see, but that he was ruining my favorite shoes!! I can’t even remember anything about the latest dream, other than that he was in it which automatically makes it bad. The nicest thing that man ever did for me was divorcing me, and he only decided to do that when the child he fathered while we were still married got to be 9 months old, and I assume his baby-mama was bitching about it. Especially since he told me when I wanted to go to marriage counselling, that working on our marriage was not as important as his working on his 'issues'. I'm not sure exactly where getting some bitch knocked up falls into working on your 'issues'. The English have a saying that is so appropriate in this instance, “good riddance to bad rubbish”.

And then there’s the weirdest dream yet - a couple of nights ago I dreamt about my first boyfriend from high school, he was visiting me, along with Robin Williams. Robin was mad at his wife because she wouldn't quit smoking, and was puffing on one of those ‘E’ cigarettes all the time.  Robin Williams? Seriously? I have no idea where that one came from – I am not a fan of his, in fact, I go out of my way to avoid most of his movies because, just like Adam Sandler, he seems capable of only playing one type of goof ball. I think the only movie he ever made that I could say I liked was What Dreams May Come, and I liked it mainly for the cinematography.  So point being, where did that come from? I sure wasn't thinking about him, didn't see him on television or even in an AARP magazine article. I am still puzzled over that one. But I guess I should consider myself lucky that nobody was naked and try to move past it!

Another thrilling installment!!

How do you like the new heading for my blog? It seems so appropriate considering that is my eventual reaction to pretty much everything I do – what the fuck were you thinking Anna?

And that certainly seems to be the case with eHarmony, which is not proving to be ‘fruitful’ or even interesting, but here’s the latest update on that horrendous waste of time and money.  In the last, oh… I don’t know how many months it’s been since I purchased a year’s membership; I have only had five guys contact me. The only one that got into the email stage was the teddy bear collector from Coventry, I still have not responded to that email, and quite frankly I don’t know that I even want to. He seems like a very nice man, but he has a real 'sour puss' look in his photo, and he's flat broke!! I can do poor quite nicely on my own thank you, I don't need to move half way around the world to do it either. Of course in reality he is probably thinking of relocating here! I had so much of that the last time I played this game, guys just looking for a free place to stay for their next Florida vacation.

I got through all the questions etc, with two other guys – the last of which announced at the end of that process that he was not a member and if he met ‘the one’ he would join. Never heard from him again – and my question is – how the hell do you know if a person is ‘the one’ by answering a bunch of pre-set questions? Most people don’t answer them truthfully; even I question my answers to these things and wonder if I should put down what I think they would want to hear. “Yes, of course, I love being little Suzie Homemaker, and can’t wait for the opportunity to scrub the skid marks off your shorts", pfft.  None of the guys I have contacted have ever responded, and nobody even looks at my profile – which would have been very depressing for me the last time I tried this – but at this point I seriously don’t care. My main annoyance with eHarmony remains the fact that over 50% of the matches they send me either do not have a picture or have not been active for over a month. In fact out of the latest seven that I got this morning, five are not active – WTF!!! And it didn't take me long to figure out that most of the guys who want to jump straight to email with eHarmony are scammers. I did have an interesting experience a few weekends ago at work though, this guy walks in the door and I thought “he looks familiar, where do I know him from?” and it turns out he was a recent match on eHarmony. I hate it when that happens!! I remembered his face, because he had posted a picture of himself in BED – not naked (thank God), but it wasn't even a selfie, which really kind of creeped me out a little bit. I also saw an eHarmony match when I was out celebrating my birthday, and I had no desire to run up and introduce myself. Hopefully he did not recognize me since I had all my hair cut off. I have been getting a lot more interest on Match.com, and I haven’t even joined that site – you can’t do anything on that site without joining. Part of me says try it, and the other part of me says don’t be an idiot. I suppose that would be an easier decision if I actually wanted to be in a relationship, but at this point I could care less. 

Well – I could go into this in more detail, but I am going to save the rest of this novella for my next blog, don’t want to get too wordy here, God forbid I should lose my audience!

I do have a marvelous opportunity tonight in that I have been asked to help decorate some trees down on 5^th Ave for the annual tree lighting ceremony – so I am pretty excited about that. I finally joined the Naples Art Association, and hopefully that will get me out and interacting with like-minded humans again.

So wish me luck for tonight, my main concern is how cold is it going to get & how to dress!

Thanks for reading, and don’t forget to feed the fish!

Thanksgiving - whatever!

I hate the holidays, especially Christmas, but I will get into those details in a later blog. Thanksgiving and Christmas always seem to end up being days when I don’t get out of my pajamas and end up crying. Today would have been no exception if it weren't for the fact that I started crying earlier than usual. And it wouldn't make any difference if I had been invited to spend the day with some well-meaning friend, been there, done that, just waited to get home before bawling like a baby. Truth is if I can’t be with my family I would rather be alone! Thanksgiving and Christmas end up being just another day in Paradise – and I would gladly give up every single thing I own, live in a trailer freezing my ass off if it meant that I could spend time with my kids and be able to watch my granddaughters grow up in person instead of on YouTube! Oh don’t get me wrong – if it weren't for Diana’s You Tube channel I wouldn't be able to see them at all!! I have already completely missed out on Savannah, and Mara barely knows me. I am nothing but a name – the ‘other Nana’ for Isabella, and Natalie doesn't have a clue. The only time she has ever seen me she was 6 months old. I would be a complete stranger to her at this point. And it infuriates me that Grandad gets to be there for everything, because he hijacked my life and forced me out!! He hates me and won’t speak to me – and yet, where would he be and what would he have if it wasn't for me?? But – I am not going to go off on that particular tangent – that water went under the bridge 30+ years ago, won’t make anything better or different to obsess about it now.

I guess the point I want to make while I sit here waiting for my lukewarm dinner to be delivered from the English Pub is, be THANKFUL!! If you are sitting around a table with your family – no matter how crazy you think they are – BE THANKFUL!! Because you never know how long you have with them, someday you might lose them, or you might be really, really stupid and move, far, far away from them, and you will end up missing them like crazy and you will be very, very sorry!! So be THANKFUL – for every minute you get to spend with your loved ones, all the bad jokes you have to endure, the squabbles and disagreements. Because you never know when you will get another chance to say I love you.

And just so that you don't think that today was a complete bust, my daughter did call me earlier. I was half-way through a crying jag at the time, but I think I managed to successfully disguise the fact, and it made me feel a whole lot better to think that I haven't been totally forgotten.  

Well, my dinner has just arrived – and for some odd reason this has caused me to start crying again.

(yes, there is pumpkin pie)

So I’m just going to say Happy Thanksgiving to anybody that reads this, and if you are not alone today, BE THANKFUL, and don't forget to feed the fish!!

eHarmony sucks, and other updates

19 August 2013

Perhaps I am throwing in the towel a little too soon, but I have given up on eHarmony.  This service is probably good for people who live in larger metropolitan areas, and are younger.  But for me it has turned out to be a monumental waste of time and MONEY!!  And that’s probably the reason I am so pissed off at myself – I really did not need to waste my money on this.  But, seems they will not let me out of the deal, and I really am stuck with it for a year – soooo – on the advice of my dear friend Dana, I decided I might as well extend my distance parameters and set them to anywhere in the world!!!  Oh what fun!!  I have already exchanged questions and answers with five guys (sounds like a burger joint), one in Coventry, one in Queensland; I think one is in Montana.  And this week I got some matches from Hawaii, and Alaska, Colorado, New Mexico – Oslo!  So, I'm just going to play around with looking at pictures – sometimes I send out a ‘smile’, or I might send some questions;  invariably the guys I am interested in don't respond, and the ones that are interested in me are one step short of falling into the Quasimodo category .  

But – good news!!  I am very pleased to announce that I am no longer taking the rejection personally – going back to the time when I had dating profiles at every dating website available, I would be borderline suicidal if a guy wouldn't respond, or worse yet went through all the steps in the eHarmony courtship ritual, only to have him blow me off at the end and say he would rather pursue ‘another relationship’.  I had the delightful experience of meeting one of those guys when I was working in the housewares department at Macy’s, and he came in with the ‘other relationship’ in tow to buy a complete set of Lenox China.  I thought he looked familiar and it didn't take me too long to realize he had been a match on eHarmony.  Because he was special ordering a couple of grand worth of china, crystal and matching gold-plated flatware, I had to get all his personal data, and what-do-you-know, this guy owns a mini-mansion right on the beach in Port Royal. Now if you don’t know anything about Naples, Google Port Royal.  Allegedly Steven Spielberg has a house down there – which would not surprise me in the least.  Anyway – the future Mrs. Moneybags looked bored out of her mind and completely disinterested.  I was glad to see them together, because it made me happy that he chose to dump me in favor of the ‘other relationship’.  Even though he was okay looking, very well-mannered and polite, I thought he seemed like a very controlling person, and plus that he had beady, black, set-too-close together eyes that reminded me of a rat, (or my second ex-husband, oh wait – same thing) and to top it off, he had really bad taste in china, crystal and flatware!!  That did not prevent me from kind of stalking him a little bit.  I drove past the front of his house a couple of times, that way I knew which one it was when I walked down the beach – and there were tacky dolphin fountain/statues around the pool too.  

 Of course now I realize what a blessing it was that I managed to not get involved with somebody at that time – I was so friggin’ needy when I first tried online dating, that had one of those douchebags actually responded, I would no doubt be in yet another loveless and/or abusive relationship.  It was the first time I had been on my own in 31 years, and I really did not think I could take care of myself at that point, so I was terrified of being on my own, and I also have a tendency to kick the nice ones to the curb in favor of someone who doesn't usually treat me very nicely.

Even though I think I am probably too content with living alone at this point to ever be in another relationship, I still hold out hope that someday I will be able to fall in love.  Sometimes I wonder if I didn't already meet my soul mate, only to dump him for the crazy long-haired bad boy.  I'm pretty sure I did, and it was more than likely because I knew he could be a forever thing, and the bad boy was supposed to only be temporary – a one night stand that went terribly wrong was how I referred to it in later arguments with said crazy long-haired bad boy.  But the truth of it is that long-haired bad boy was the love of my life, and not a day has gone past in the last six years since I last talked to him, that I haven't thought of him.  I believe there is a difference between a soul-mate and the love of your life.  It can be boiled down to right and wrong – just because you are crazy in love with someone doesn't mean they are the right person for you to be with.  Not to mention my commitment issues – I am literally terrified that I will make the wrong choice, and get stuck with the wrong person – AGAIN!!

But as much as I don't understand why, there is a reason for me having all these bizarre relationships.  Perhaps all the screw ups are just getting me ready for Mr. Right.  The old 'you have to kiss a lot of frogs' theory in action.

Emotionally unavailable - that is how that little twerp, Mr. Bill, described me.  He was the ignorant hillbilly dickwad that tried to move in with me back in 2006 – the one I made the voodoo doll of.  Actually hillbillies have more class than he did.  And he could be right, I know for sure that I am a commitment-phobe, that’s probably not a real word, but it is a real phobia.  And there you have one of the nice things about the internet, you can Google symptoms and find out what kind of dis-order is currently popular among the psychobabble community.  Thanks to Google, I now realize that I am a little walking ball of crazy.  I discovered a few weeks ago, while watching Necessary Roughness, that I have something called Avoidant Personality Disorder – once again, a real disorder.  Dr. Dani was called in to consult an author who had not been out of his house in nine months – which would be me if I did not have my weekend job.  I've been saying for quite some time now that I am one small step away from being a full-fledged hermit, and I wasn't kidding.  Yes, I do realize that it’s harder to do things when you have no car, and it is either sweltering outside with 100% humidity, or just flat out raining, and then there’s West Nile Virus to take into consideration. But I am not exaggerating when I say that I haven’t actually been to a grocery store for so long now that I would probably just get confused and wander aimlessly down the aisles – probably start humming and dancing to the piped in Muzak. My second ex-husband HATED when I did that –so I would do it even more just to piss him off –I win!!

Well I was planning on covering my revelations on personal style in this blog too, but this is already too long winded and boring,  and I have wandered so far off the original subject that I don’t even know what I was talking about.  Next time – I promise – and don’t forget to feed the fish!